Thursday, March 31, 2011

TTC Cycle #13

I've been procrastinating on writing this post for some time now.  Mainly because this cycle was the absolute lowest point of my TTC journey.  Debated putting such personal information out here, but sub-fertility isn't pretty, so I decided to go with it...

TTC Cycle #13: September 13, 2010-October 13, 2010 (31 days)

CD 3-7- Taking 100mg Clomiphene for the 2nd time

CD 8-  I wrote this letter to a close friend, so I'm just reposting it here and editing the names...

So I seriously screwed things up this weekend and basically had a nervous breakdown on Saturday night. A & K (A is DH's best friend/man & K is his wife) visited us this weekend, and she's 17 weeks pregnant. I thought I could handle seeing her, but I couldn't. It actually started on Friday night- about ten minutes before they arrived, I started picking a fight with DH. He called me out on it and asked what was wrong, and I confessed that I was anxious about seeing K pregnant. He asked why I didn't mention anything to him, and it's because every time I get sad about hearing that someone else is pregnant, he tells me that I should be happy for them and not so selfish. So I don't feel like I can talk about it with him. So I bailed out on hanging out with everyone after the beer festival on Saturday night, and DH told them the reason why I bailed. I think the thing that started it all was on Saturday afternoon during the festival, DH & A walked up to the group, they were each carrying an iced water, and they handed both of them to K. It was so irrational, but I was like, why isn't he giving ME a water? I'm his wife, not K! I feel so stupid now, but I don't know if it was the hormones from the fertility meds, the alcohol, or a combo of both. Spent most of the night crying. DH is stressed. I'm stressed. I tried to talk to him on Saturday night when he got home, and he said he couldn't handle talking then. I tried during the day on Sunday, and he still wasn't ready.  We finally talked last night, and he said he's still so numb from the whole experience. Yesterday I made inquiries of my insurance about receiving counseling services, since they require an authorization before you make an appointment. The guy I talked to sounded like a suicide hotline person, and asked me if I felt like hurting myself or others. It was true on Saturday night, but not now, so I told him no. I honestly scared myself so bad, I just wanna make this right. My sister has an "Employee Assistance Program" thing where her employer has prepaid the cost of the initial evaluation and brief counseling session(s) for employees and immediate family. So I called them and made an appointment today at 2:30. DH thinks I need therapy, not counseling, so I can learn how to manage my emotions. I'm thinking that any objective 3rd party would be better than none. DH also said that he wants us to abstain from trying for a baby this cycle until I can get my emotions under control. I feel like it's a wasted opportunity for making a baby since I just took the fertility meds, but I wanna be better. Blah. I'll let you know how the appointment goes...

So I stopped charting for the rest of the month and went to that appointment.  She referred me to a Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in infertility.

CD 12-13-Camping with DH.  We hadn't gone camping just the 2 of us in over 5 years (we always go in groups with our friends), so it was nice having the one-on-one time together.  We have sex that night, but in retrospect if DH had realized what CD I was on, he said that he wouldn't have done it since he wanted us to abstain from trying this cycle.  I thought that was the beauty of NOT tracking--that we didn't have to worry about when we're having sex.

CD 17- First appointment with B, the marriage & family therapist.  DH came with me, and it went well.  I cried for most of the appointment, but I felt like we were just getting to know each other for the first appointment and learn my TTC background.

CD 32- I get my period.  We didn't actively try this cycle, but I was hoping for it anyway.  To make matters worse, DH told me today that his sister is pregnant.  Apparently she was pregnant when we saw her in August, but she didn't tell us. She was waiting for me to get pregnant so we could both be pregnant together. I obviously wasn't happening, so she called DH and told him. Then DH decided to wait and see if I was pregnant or not this cycle before he told me about her pregnancy.  And of course I get my period, and he tells me then.  My SIL had a baby last December, and so her babies are going to be 16 months apart. According to DH, my SIL and the baby daddy only had sex "one time" over the summer and apparently one time is all it takes for her to get pregnant.  It's funny because when she stayed with us in June 2009, she told me that her biggest fear was getting pregnant immediately after she had Baby #1 and not leaving the baby daddy (who is unstable), and that's exactly what happened.  Sigh.

I wanted to end this post on a positive note, so I'm adding a bit here :)  I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant.  Baby has fingerprints now, and if she's a girl, she already has the 2 million eggs in her ovaries that she'll have for her lifetime.  It's so wild!

I'm getting TONS of "How are you feeling?" questions at work.  One of my co-workers told me that I'd get sick of them after a while, and I kind of already am...

Last Monday I told DH that my stomach has tripled in size.  He pointed out that I was complaining.  I totally didn't mean to, since I obviously have been wanting the baby for FOREVER, but it's hard shaking the mentality of "don't gain weight."  I work for Weight Watchers (working for them means you had to have been a member before, lost weight with WW, and stayed at your goal weight--I lost 20 lbs in 2007), so seeing the scales go in the opposite direction has been harder to handle than I previously thought.  Duh, I want the baby.  Duh, I know you gain weight in pregnancy.  But when I see my belly sticking waaaaaaaay out, and I know the baby is only 3 inches long, I also know that that's just my gut and nothing else.  It's really playing with my self-esteem.

And I swore I wouldn't complain about my pregnancy.  Ugh.  Got to stop whining.

Offering this up for you, prayer buddy!  I'm sure you'll get lots of extra graces for the amount of turmoil I'm putting myself through :)

Okay, seriously ending on a positive note now...

I've made it to 2 out of the 3 stations so far this Lent.  Going to the 3rd one for me tomorrow!  I actually have gotten a lot out of going to stations this season.  The first Friday I went, I skipped the "soup & substance" part and just went straight to stations.  After stations, I went to the side chapel for adoration.  I was by myself, so I removed the curtain from in front of the monstrance and put it off to the side.  I prayed the rosary silently, meditating on the Joyful mysteries.  When I got to the third mystery (the nativity), someone turned on the light behind the stained glass window above the monstrance (it's a stained glass window on an inner wall, so it doesn't get outside light), and the nativity scene lit up before me!!!  It was so amazing :)  Then by the time I got to the 5th mystery, the Spanish choir started rehearsing their music for their stations, so I got to listen to them singing and playing the guitar while I finished the last decade.  It was such a beautiful evening!  Looking forward to stations again tomorrow...


  1. Your stomach is sticking out that much already? I am on the heavy side already pre-pregnancy so I don't tell that much difference. I'm waiting though. My hubby and I thought we coudl just tell people if they asked if I was pregnant & we didn't want to say that we could just say i had gained some weight.

    I'm trying not to let the weight thing get to me-I worked so hard to get 40#'s off to gain some back :) Oh well, at least it's for the best of reasons.

    Enjoy the stations tomorrow. We just returned from adoration- it was wonderful!

    Hope you're feeling well and I love how you're outlining every cycle leading up to your pregnancy. I should do that too :)

  2. Sunshine- Yep! I'm eating a TON of food because I'm constantly hungry. I've only thrown up once, so all the advice of "don't worry how much you eat in the first trimester because you'll end up throwing it all up" doesn't apply to me. I had a huge meal tonight, and I look like I'm at least 20 weeks pregnant, even though I'm only 13 weeks (I've been around enough pregnant women to know that I'm getting too big too fast, so it's hard not to worry about it).

    Congrats on getting the 40 lbs off! Everyone keeps saying the pregnancy weight will come off so quickly as long as you breastfeed. Hopefully it's true for us!

  3. It's so comforting to me to read where you were in your struggles and where you are now. Thank you for your honesty. It makes me feel more normal. I am so very happy that your IF pain is gone and you are able to embrace this new pregnancy life:) Stay matter if you gain a little or a lot, you are beautiful and you have a Child of God in your tummy!

  4. ACG- Thank you!!! That's one of the reasons why I continue to read IF blogs and document my own journey--I don't ever want to forget the pain and suffering I've been through.

  5. Katie, it is totally 100% okay to have the occasional pregnancy woe (like being upset about gaining weight or feeling yucky)! I know you've waited a long time to be pregnant and I also know you're over the moon excited, but that doesn't mean that every day of those nine months is necessarily rosy. And that's okay. I'm not preggo but have already worried about the weight gain (crazy, right?! lol) and I figure the very fact that we're thinking about it means that we won't allow ourselves to keep those tummies. You WILL shed all that weight, no worries, darlin'!

  6. Just think of every single pound gained as and extra cushion for that sweet bundle inside of you!