Monday, January 31, 2011

Started this blog a little too late...

I started this blog to document my 18 1/2 months of sub-fertility. It's ironic because I'm pregnant now. Got a BFP yesterday on CD 33. It doesn't seem real. I've seen so many negatives over and over again, and now it's positive. I'm so happy and grateful, but I feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up and none of it really happened.

I think I'm still going to document the rest of my sub-fertility experience. I don't ever want to forget the amount of pain and suffering I went through, and I don't want to take this pregnancy for granted. At least now I know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, even if the Lord decides to call my baby to Heaven. And I'm a mother. Wow. It's so surreal.

We're only telling family and a few close friends. Not putting it on facebook until I'm out of the first trimester. But I had to post it here.

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

TTC Cycle #1

I've decided to go through all 17 cycles (18 1/2 months) of TTC, and do a blog for each cycle. But first, some background information...

DH and I started dating on January 1, 2003 (we kissed at midnight!) and were married on July 14, 2006. I was 3 weeks away from my 21st birthday. DH was 23. We had both just graduated in the spring with our bachelor's degrees, were getting married, then moving from Tallahassee, FL to Asheville, NC right after the honeymoon. Lots of big changes for us. We contracepted before learning the sympto-thermal method via CCL in September 2007. Practicing NFP helped our marriage tremendously.

I dealt with a lot of jealousy from July 2006-July 2009 from hearing the news of other friends getting pregnant because we weren't TTC since we couldn't financially afford a baby at the time without moving in with my parents or in-laws. I longed for a baby. Had been dreaming of being a mother since I was little. Felt like we should have 'just done it' on some days, but DH is the sane one and would remind me of our plan.

TTC Cycle #1: July 15, 2009-August 17, 2009 (34 days)

The day after our 3 year wedding anniversary, I get my period, and we FINALLY can start TTC! One of the most exciting periods of my life. I was so naive. I had all these plans, and God was going to abide by these plans. We waited until July so I would have a late April baby. Then I would get 7 weeks of paid maternity leave (from sick days accumulated), followed by summer break, then go back to teaching in August and send the baby to home day care. The timing also coincided with our car being paid off in April, so we would use the money we were paying for a car payment to go to child care. I ideally wanted to be a SAHM, but with both of us being teachers and student loan bills, we can't afford to not have me work. I resigned myself to that miserable fact because it still meant that I was having a baby, my lifelong dream of being a mother. I told all my closest friends that we were trying for a baby. I was SO confident that it would happen on the first try. I mean, think of how many people get pregnant "on accident" the first time they have sex and how many unplanned pregnancies there are. I was going to get pregnant. Period.

My fertile time coincided with a beach trip with my parents and a few days with the in-laws. I thought it would be a great story if I conceived on the beach under the stars :) We had perfectly timed sex, and a baby was going to happen. There's no way that it wouldn't.

CD 19 is our last day in FL. We go out to a bar to spend one last night with our FL friends before we say good-bye. Some ask why I'm not drinking, and I tell them that we're trying to have a baby :) Most of them congratulate us and say that they can't wait to see a baby Wilson.

CD 23 was my 24th birthday. We invite a bunch of people over for a party, and I'm the only one not drinking. Everyone asks why. I tell them that we're trying for a baby, I'm probably pregnant, so it'd be safer if I don't drink past ovulation. None of my friends at the party are married or interested in starting families. I get a lot of weird looks, but I ignore them. I'm having a baby, so who cares about what they think!

CD 28 is my friend's 25th birthday. She and her DH are in town for a week, and for her birthday I drive the 4 of us around to 5 local breweries throughout the day. I'm the DD because I'm probably pregnant. We have loads of fun, and they give me a few sips and tastes of their beers to help me feel better about being the DD. But I'm okay with it because I'm pregnant.

CD 31 was a Friday. Some friends ended up staying over after a late night party the night before. I wanted to test that morning, but DH talked me out of it, saying that we shouldn't have other people around when I test. I didn't think it mattered- it was going to say positive anyway! But I waited another day.

CD 32 was a Saturday. I finally get to take a PT and find out that I'm pregnant! Take the PT...anxiously wait a few minutes...

It's negative.

I'm crushed. I was so SURE that it was going to happen the first time. I cry, and DH comforts me. Once I pull myself together, we head to the farmers' market. I see baby after baby, pregnant woman after pregnant woman. 4 babies and 3 pregnant women in all. 30 minutes later, I hold back the tears, and barely make it to the car before I start balling my eyes out. Why not me?! Why can't I be pregnant??? I sob the whole way home.

CD 35. I get my period and cry again. I was hoping for a false negative.

..............................................................................................

I look back at that cycle now, and I see such a confident person for the first 31 days. But I was making all my own plans, and God had other plans for me. What's the saying- if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans? I think that's it. I didn't really pray about getting pregnant. I never asked God if that was His will for me. I just assumed that He wanted what I wanted. And He wants me to be happy, right? Having a baby would make me happy, therefore God wants me to have a baby. But He works in mysterious and wondrous ways, and His call for me was to not be a mother right now.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm finally venturing into the blogging world.

I'm still trying to decide how to go about doing this. We've been TTC since July 2009. It's been the hardest 18 months of my life so far. It's a cross I never thought I'd have to bear. But here I am, looking for the support and advice of other women going through similar trials.

My counselor says that it would be a good idea to blog my entire journey of sub-fertility to give as a gift to my future child when we do conceive or adopt. That way they can see how loved and wanted s/he was, even before s/he was born. So I'm giving it a try. I know it'll be painful to relive the ups and downs I've experienced so far, but I especially want to remember it for the day that I do get pregnant. I don't want to forget all that I've experienced through sub-fertility, and I think that blogging will be my permanent way of reminding myself.

St. Gianna, pray for us.