TTC Cycle #5 & #6

TTC Cycle #5: December 7, 2009-January 11, 2010 (36 days)

I don't have a whole lot written down on my chart for this cycle. I did get to see my nephew (DH's sister's son) for the first time ever when he was around 3 weeks old. Holding that baby was something else. I caught myself pretending that he was mine a few times.

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TTC Cycle #6: January 12, 2010-February 21, 2010 (41 days)

CD 1- It's the day of the Haiti earthquake. I got my period. It's a rather depressing day, but I'm feeling okay overall until my sister, E (who is 21 at the time), talks with me on facebook chat about our other sister, L (who is 19 at the time) [yes, I saved the conversation, and I'm only using initials for privacy]...

E- have you talked to mom or L recently?
Me- no. is something wrong?
E- uh oh
E- i thought you knew
Me- mom called me last night and left a message, and i called back and left her a message
Me- call me!!!
E- L is preggos
Me- ?!?!?!?!
E- yep
Me- freaking a
E- and keeping it
Me- and i can't get preg
E- B (E's boyfriend) said she should just give hers to you
yeah just thought id lighten the mood
but yeah shes pregnant
dont say anything yet to anyone

I call E at this point, BALLING my eyes out. (I still can't believe she told me over facebook chat when I told her to call me!). My baby sister is pregnant. She's not married, boyfriend is in jail again (because he didn't do his community service as part of his parole), and it was "on accident." I know I shouldn't be jealous of her situation because all I want is the baby. But I can't help it. I sob. And sob. And sob. Eventually I get off the phone with E and just continue crying on the couch. DH isn't home from work yet. 20 minutes into my crying session, my mom calls me (I don't know if E told her to call or if she was just returning my call at the right moment). I'm sobbing and hiccuping into the phone, and she says that she's sorry for me and wishes she could hold me and make it all better. I agree. This sucks. I've been trying for SIX months and L gets pregnant "on accident"?!?! It's not fair. Life's not fair. I'm pissed off at God and the world. I get off the phone with Mom right before DH gets home. He looks alarmed seeing me sobbing on the couch. He thinks someone died. He rushes over to me and I tell him L is pregnant. DH says, "I didn't see that coming." (being totally honest about the reason why I'm crying- not sarcastic at all). I cry. And cry. And cry. Until there are no tears left. I'M the responsible one. I'm married. I have a salary job. I have a mortgage. I planned everything out. And SHE gets to have a baby?! I'm drowning in sorrow and jealousy.

CD 33- DH and I drive to FL to be with his family for our nephew's open heart surgery.
CD 34- I have to leave the hospital room every time they do an x-ray for S (nephew) because I MIGHT be pregnant.
CD 35- 2 month old S has successful open heart surgery. It's a very emotional day. Lots and lots and lots of prayers.

CD 41- I post this on the facebook NFP group:

Here's the background situation: I'm currently on TTC Cycle 6, Day 41. My longest cycle ever was 39 days with the average being around 35. I bought a PT on Friday. I was planning on testing yesterday, but DH doesn't want me to. He doesn't want me to test positive only to start my period three days later. He'd rather us not know if we conceived to spare us the heartache of a miscarriage, which I imagine would be one of the most painful experiences of my life (seeing that we haven't been able to conceive yet). I think doctors call it a chemical pregnancy. Anyway, he'd rather me wait a week to test (next Saturday) when it's more probable that IF their is a pregnancy, it will last (he's all about numbers and statistics). That way if I start my period in a few days, it'll just be a late period and not a miscarriage to me. The only problem is that I want NOTHING more than to test and find out its positive right now. I'd rather know I had a baby and lost it then never knew it existed in the first place. My question is how many people test really soon and get a positive, only to get their period a few days later? Secondly, would you rather have not known you were pregnant to spare yourself the heartache?

The second thing is for people that take a long time TTC... how do you not get discouraged? DH says it's totally normal for us to be trying 7 months and not be pregnant yet, and I understand that every woman's body is different. But he's also saying that if I'm feeling this hopeless at 7 months (6 cycles), how can I keep trying for 1-2+ years and not keep reacting the way I do every month? How can I change my attitude when I feel so depressed?

CD 42- Post on facebook NFP page:

I started my period this morning at 7:15am. Had EXTREME cramping from 12:30-2:00pm. Like, I wanted to scoop my uterus out with a spoon kind of cramps. And I've never had menstrual cramps a day in my life!!! I always brag about it to my friends ;) Got home and took a pregnancy test at 3:45pm to confirm just in case. It was negative.

I never took the pregnancy test yesterday or the day before out of respect of DH's belief/opinion. But I'm wondering if the cramping was a sign of a miscarriage??? Now I'll never know :(

I emailed CCL copies of my six TTC charts. Don't know how long it'll be before they get back with me. Has anyone ever sent their charts in for review before?

TTC Cycle 7, Day 1. Thanks for all the prayers.

Another woman comments that heavy cramping doesn't necessarily mean it was a miscarriage.

I respond:

Thanks for the info- that's good to know. I actually had a friend just tell me about her own miscarrying experience. She had two positive tests while she was miscarrying- one the day it started (tested at the dr's) and another a few days later at home. She said that if I was pregnant the hormones would still read positive for a few weeks afterward. Since I tested negative this afternoon, that's another indicator that I wasn't ever pregnant in the first place.