TTC Cycle #14: October 14, 2010-November 12, 2010 (30 days)
CD 2- I go in for the routine ultrasound to check and see if my ovaries are back to normal so I can get another round of Clomiphene. It was normal the last two times, so I had no reason to think that this appointment would be different. Dr. C starts the ultrasound, and there's A LOT of black on the screen. He starts saying "Hmm...hmmm......HMMM...." to himself. I'm like, WTF is going on and why isn't he saying anything to me?!?! Apparently he found a bunch of free-floating fluid in my abdomen, like TWICE as large as my uterus. He said that it wasn't good, and that I should be in a lot of pain. I told him I felt bloated, but I figured that was from my period, but it turns out it wasn't. He thinks I may have had a cyst that burst. He ordered some bloodwork done and didn't prescribe Clomid this cycle to give my body and break and figure out what the hell is going on. I get home and cry and cry and cry. DH gets home later on, and the sweet man decides to skip playing in his soccer game that evening to stay home and be with me <3
CD 10-11- Camping with friends. K doesn't come because she doesn't want the extreme cold to affect her pregnancy, and I'm secretly glad that I don't have to see her.
CD 13- Doc appt again for another ultrasound. On that ultrasound, my left ovary looked polycystic because there were 4-5 undeveloping follicles/cysts. On my right ovary there was one maturing follicle that was 19 mm, so I would probably ovulate out of that one. Dr. C said it was a good sign that I'm ovulating naturally this cycle. Also by the length of the maturing follicle, he said that I'd have a 29-30 day cycle, which was also good. He also told me to have sex that night (Tues), skip Wed., and have sex Thurs, Fri, and Sat. So we did, and now we wait...
CD 29- I'm reading a book in the teacher's lounge during my lunch break, and one of my co-workers starts teasing me and talking to me saying "Who did it? How's it turning out?" in regards to the book I was reading. I just smiled and told him I'd let him know at the end. A half hour later, I'm back in my classroom with my students for their lunchtime, and the same teacher pokes his head in my doorway and says, "So, did it happen yet?" One of my students hears him say this to me, and shouts out, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?!" I was in complete and utter shock. Of course, my classroom erupts into chaos, and they all start yelling and talking excitedly that their teacher is pregnant. It took me a full 10 seconds before I got my wits about me and was able to quell the room and tell them that I'm NOT pregnant. Having 16 nine and ten-year-olds all get excited about my "pregnancy" really got to me, and it was all I could do to not start bawling in the moment. I luckily held it together and got to bawl on my DH's shoulder in the privacy of my home later that evening.
CD 31- I got a call from my mom in the morning saying that my health insurance company had called her looking for me to talk with me about my benefits. I'm like, what??? So I call the number that they gave her and finally get a hold of a person. I explain the situation and ask what they were calling me about. The lady replies, "Oh, we received a claim from your doctor, and it says that you're pregnant now. Congratulations!" I'm like, WTF I'M NOT PREGNANT!!! There's ANOTHER Katie with the same last name at my doctor's office who is currently pregnant. I know because they mixed up our charts back in August and the nurse kept talking to me like I was pregnant and we finally figured out it was a different Katie. So this is the second time they've mixed up our files, even though they put a "name alert" on our files. Anyway, so it's all I can do not to hang up on this woman because I know it's not her fault, so I give her my correct phone number, end the conversation, and proceed to sob into James' arms. Later that day I got my period. *sigh* I can't catch a break...how could this happen to me TWICE in one week?!
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I'm not really in ranting/raging mood like I appear to be in the post, but I wanted it to reflect my feelings at the time. Everything is fine and dandy here, and I'm 14 weeks pregnant :)
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
TTC Cycle #13
I've been procrastinating on writing this post for some time now. Mainly because this cycle was the absolute lowest point of my TTC journey. Debated putting such personal information out here, but sub-fertility isn't pretty, so I decided to go with it...
TTC Cycle #13: September 13, 2010-October 13, 2010 (31 days)
CD 3-7- Taking 100mg Clomiphene for the 2nd time
CD 8- I wrote this letter to a close friend, so I'm just reposting it here and editing the names...
So I seriously screwed things up this weekend and basically had a nervous breakdown on Saturday night. A & K (A is DH's best friend/man & K is his wife) visited us this weekend, and she's 17 weeks pregnant. I thought I could handle seeing her, but I couldn't. It actually started on Friday night- about ten minutes before they arrived, I started picking a fight with DH. He called me out on it and asked what was wrong, and I confessed that I was anxious about seeing K pregnant. He asked why I didn't mention anything to him, and it's because every time I get sad about hearing that someone else is pregnant, he tells me that I should be happy for them and not so selfish. So I don't feel like I can talk about it with him. So I bailed out on hanging out with everyone after the beer festival on Saturday night, and DH told them the reason why I bailed. I think the thing that started it all was on Saturday afternoon during the festival, DH & A walked up to the group, they were each carrying an iced water, and they handed both of them to K. It was so irrational, but I was like, why isn't he giving ME a water? I'm his wife, not K! I feel so stupid now, but I don't know if it was the hormones from the fertility meds, the alcohol, or a combo of both. Spent most of the night crying. DH is stressed. I'm stressed. I tried to talk to him on Saturday night when he got home, and he said he couldn't handle talking then. I tried during the day on Sunday, and he still wasn't ready. We finally talked last night, and he said he's still so numb from the whole experience. Yesterday I made inquiries of my insurance about receiving counseling services, since they require an authorization before you make an appointment. The guy I talked to sounded like a suicide hotline person, and asked me if I felt like hurting myself or others. It was true on Saturday night, but not now, so I told him no. I honestly scared myself so bad, I just wanna make this right. My sister has an "Employee Assistance Program" thing where her employer has prepaid the cost of the initial evaluation and brief counseling session(s) for employees and immediate family. So I called them and made an appointment today at 2:30. DH thinks I need therapy, not counseling, so I can learn how to manage my emotions. I'm thinking that any objective 3rd party would be better than none. DH also said that he wants us to abstain from trying for a baby this cycle until I can get my emotions under control. I feel like it's a wasted opportunity for making a baby since I just took the fertility meds, but I wanna be better. Blah. I'll let you know how the appointment goes...
So I stopped charting for the rest of the month and went to that appointment. She referred me to a Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in infertility.
CD 12-13-Camping with DH. We hadn't gone camping just the 2 of us in over 5 years (we always go in groups with our friends), so it was nice having the one-on-one time together. We have sex that night, but in retrospect if DH had realized what CD I was on, he said that he wouldn't have done it since he wanted us to abstain from trying this cycle. I thought that was the beauty of NOT tracking--that we didn't have to worry about when we're having sex.
CD 17- First appointment with B, the marriage & family therapist. DH came with me, and it went well. I cried for most of the appointment, but I felt like we were just getting to know each other for the first appointment and learn my TTC background.
CD 32- I get my period. We didn't actively try this cycle, but I was hoping for it anyway. To make matters worse, DH told me today that his sister is pregnant. Apparently she was pregnant when we saw her in August, but she didn't tell us. She was waiting for me to get pregnant so we could both be pregnant together. I obviously wasn't happening, so she called DH and told him. Then DH decided to wait and see if I was pregnant or not this cycle before he told me about her pregnancy. And of course I get my period, and he tells me then. My SIL had a baby last December, and so her babies are going to be 16 months apart. According to DH, my SIL and the baby daddy only had sex "one time" over the summer and apparently one time is all it takes for her to get pregnant. It's funny because when she stayed with us in June 2009, she told me that her biggest fear was getting pregnant immediately after she had Baby #1 and not leaving the baby daddy (who is unstable), and that's exactly what happened. Sigh.
........................................................................................................
I wanted to end this post on a positive note, so I'm adding a bit here :) I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant. Baby has fingerprints now, and if she's a girl, she already has the 2 million eggs in her ovaries that she'll have for her lifetime. It's so wild!
I'm getting TONS of "How are you feeling?" questions at work. One of my co-workers told me that I'd get sick of them after a while, and I kind of already am...
Last Monday I told DH that my stomach has tripled in size. He pointed out that I was complaining. I totally didn't mean to, since I obviously have been wanting the baby for FOREVER, but it's hard shaking the mentality of "don't gain weight." I work for Weight Watchers (working for them means you had to have been a member before, lost weight with WW, and stayed at your goal weight--I lost 20 lbs in 2007), so seeing the scales go in the opposite direction has been harder to handle than I previously thought. Duh, I want the baby. Duh, I know you gain weight in pregnancy. But when I see my belly sticking waaaaaaaay out, and I know the baby is only 3 inches long, I also know that that's just my gut and nothing else. It's really playing with my self-esteem.
And I swore I wouldn't complain about my pregnancy. Ugh. Got to stop whining.
Offering this up for you, prayer buddy! I'm sure you'll get lots of extra graces for the amount of turmoil I'm putting myself through :)
Okay, seriously ending on a positive note now...
I've made it to 2 out of the 3 stations so far this Lent. Going to the 3rd one for me tomorrow! I actually have gotten a lot out of going to stations this season. The first Friday I went, I skipped the "soup & substance" part and just went straight to stations. After stations, I went to the side chapel for adoration. I was by myself, so I removed the curtain from in front of the monstrance and put it off to the side. I prayed the rosary silently, meditating on the Joyful mysteries. When I got to the third mystery (the nativity), someone turned on the light behind the stained glass window above the monstrance (it's a stained glass window on an inner wall, so it doesn't get outside light), and the nativity scene lit up before me!!! It was so amazing :) Then by the time I got to the 5th mystery, the Spanish choir started rehearsing their music for their stations, so I got to listen to them singing and playing the guitar while I finished the last decade. It was such a beautiful evening! Looking forward to stations again tomorrow...
TTC Cycle #13: September 13, 2010-October 13, 2010 (31 days)
CD 3-7- Taking 100mg Clomiphene for the 2nd time
CD 8- I wrote this letter to a close friend, so I'm just reposting it here and editing the names...
So I seriously screwed things up this weekend and basically had a nervous breakdown on Saturday night. A & K (A is DH's best friend/man & K is his wife) visited us this weekend, and she's 17 weeks pregnant. I thought I could handle seeing her, but I couldn't. It actually started on Friday night- about ten minutes before they arrived, I started picking a fight with DH. He called me out on it and asked what was wrong, and I confessed that I was anxious about seeing K pregnant. He asked why I didn't mention anything to him, and it's because every time I get sad about hearing that someone else is pregnant, he tells me that I should be happy for them and not so selfish. So I don't feel like I can talk about it with him. So I bailed out on hanging out with everyone after the beer festival on Saturday night, and DH told them the reason why I bailed. I think the thing that started it all was on Saturday afternoon during the festival, DH & A walked up to the group, they were each carrying an iced water, and they handed both of them to K. It was so irrational, but I was like, why isn't he giving ME a water? I'm his wife, not K! I feel so stupid now, but I don't know if it was the hormones from the fertility meds, the alcohol, or a combo of both. Spent most of the night crying. DH is stressed. I'm stressed. I tried to talk to him on Saturday night when he got home, and he said he couldn't handle talking then. I tried during the day on Sunday, and he still wasn't ready. We finally talked last night, and he said he's still so numb from the whole experience. Yesterday I made inquiries of my insurance about receiving counseling services, since they require an authorization before you make an appointment. The guy I talked to sounded like a suicide hotline person, and asked me if I felt like hurting myself or others. It was true on Saturday night, but not now, so I told him no. I honestly scared myself so bad, I just wanna make this right. My sister has an "Employee Assistance Program" thing where her employer has prepaid the cost of the initial evaluation and brief counseling session(s) for employees and immediate family. So I called them and made an appointment today at 2:30. DH thinks I need therapy, not counseling, so I can learn how to manage my emotions. I'm thinking that any objective 3rd party would be better than none. DH also said that he wants us to abstain from trying for a baby this cycle until I can get my emotions under control. I feel like it's a wasted opportunity for making a baby since I just took the fertility meds, but I wanna be better. Blah. I'll let you know how the appointment goes...
So I stopped charting for the rest of the month and went to that appointment. She referred me to a Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in infertility.
CD 12-13-Camping with DH. We hadn't gone camping just the 2 of us in over 5 years (we always go in groups with our friends), so it was nice having the one-on-one time together. We have sex that night, but in retrospect if DH had realized what CD I was on, he said that he wouldn't have done it since he wanted us to abstain from trying this cycle. I thought that was the beauty of NOT tracking--that we didn't have to worry about when we're having sex.
CD 17- First appointment with B, the marriage & family therapist. DH came with me, and it went well. I cried for most of the appointment, but I felt like we were just getting to know each other for the first appointment and learn my TTC background.
CD 32- I get my period. We didn't actively try this cycle, but I was hoping for it anyway. To make matters worse, DH told me today that his sister is pregnant. Apparently she was pregnant when we saw her in August, but she didn't tell us. She was waiting for me to get pregnant so we could both be pregnant together. I obviously wasn't happening, so she called DH and told him. Then DH decided to wait and see if I was pregnant or not this cycle before he told me about her pregnancy. And of course I get my period, and he tells me then. My SIL had a baby last December, and so her babies are going to be 16 months apart. According to DH, my SIL and the baby daddy only had sex "one time" over the summer and apparently one time is all it takes for her to get pregnant. It's funny because when she stayed with us in June 2009, she told me that her biggest fear was getting pregnant immediately after she had Baby #1 and not leaving the baby daddy (who is unstable), and that's exactly what happened. Sigh.
........................................................................................................
I wanted to end this post on a positive note, so I'm adding a bit here :) I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant. Baby has fingerprints now, and if she's a girl, she already has the 2 million eggs in her ovaries that she'll have for her lifetime. It's so wild!
I'm getting TONS of "How are you feeling?" questions at work. One of my co-workers told me that I'd get sick of them after a while, and I kind of already am...
Last Monday I told DH that my stomach has tripled in size. He pointed out that I was complaining. I totally didn't mean to, since I obviously have been wanting the baby for FOREVER, but it's hard shaking the mentality of "don't gain weight." I work for Weight Watchers (working for them means you had to have been a member before, lost weight with WW, and stayed at your goal weight--I lost 20 lbs in 2007), so seeing the scales go in the opposite direction has been harder to handle than I previously thought. Duh, I want the baby. Duh, I know you gain weight in pregnancy. But when I see my belly sticking waaaaaaaay out, and I know the baby is only 3 inches long, I also know that that's just my gut and nothing else. It's really playing with my self-esteem.
And I swore I wouldn't complain about my pregnancy. Ugh. Got to stop whining.
Offering this up for you, prayer buddy! I'm sure you'll get lots of extra graces for the amount of turmoil I'm putting myself through :)
Okay, seriously ending on a positive note now...
I've made it to 2 out of the 3 stations so far this Lent. Going to the 3rd one for me tomorrow! I actually have gotten a lot out of going to stations this season. The first Friday I went, I skipped the "soup & substance" part and just went straight to stations. After stations, I went to the side chapel for adoration. I was by myself, so I removed the curtain from in front of the monstrance and put it off to the side. I prayed the rosary silently, meditating on the Joyful mysteries. When I got to the third mystery (the nativity), someone turned on the light behind the stained glass window above the monstrance (it's a stained glass window on an inner wall, so it doesn't get outside light), and the nativity scene lit up before me!!! It was so amazing :) Then by the time I got to the 5th mystery, the Spanish choir started rehearsing their music for their stations, so I got to listen to them singing and playing the guitar while I finished the last decade. It was such a beautiful evening! Looking forward to stations again tomorrow...
Friday, March 11, 2011
TTC Cycle #12
TTC Cycle #12: August 14, 2010-September 12, 2010 (30 days)
After many prayers and talks with DH, we decide to go ahead with Clomiphene. I take 100mg on CD 3-7. It makes me a bit looney. The worst part during it was when I had a meltdown in the kitchen over cutting up vegetables. I just started sobbing, "I can't do it!!!" and DH starts to smile at me. I'm like, "Why are you smiling? I'm crying!!! Boo-hoo!". He says, "Katie, it's just vegetables," and I started laughing in between sobs, realizing how ridiculous I sound.
CD 11- I have my very first ultrasound to check and see if there's a mature follicle and if my ovaries are over-stimulated or not. I'm kind of excited and nervous, but my doc says to not expect it to work the first time. So I get a UTI the day before (yuck!), and it's convenient that I already have an appointment scheduled today. I give the nurse the urine sample for testing, and she starts chatting with me.
Nurse- It's common to have UTIs now since there's a lot of stuff going on down there.
Me- Huh????
Nurse- You know, with pregnancy.
Me- I'm not pregnant. I'm TRYING to get pregnant.
Nurse- Your chart says you're pregnant.
Me- ?!?!
Apparently there's another Katie with the same last name as me at their office. She was born in the same year as me and also weighs the same. The other Katie is pregnant. I'm not. And they accidentally switched the files. (Hippa violation!!!) So that was depressing, to say the least.
My ultrasound shows 2 maturing follicles--one on my right ovary that is 19 mm and one on my left ovary that is 15 mm. Doc says that I'll ovulate in 3-5 days!!! I'm on track to have a 29-30 day cycle.
CD 12- I get a phone call from my friend K (her husband is A, DH's best friend/man) saying that they're 13 weeks pregnant and having a boy! We talk for about 30 minutes, and I tell her about my ultrasound yesterday. I actually didn't cry, and I attribute that to her keeping me on the phone for so long and talking me through everything. I'm hopeful that I'll get pregnant this cycle so that our babies can be close in age (silly, I know).
CD 17- My sister, L, gives birth to her son, E, on August 30, 2010, one day before her 20th birthday. Baby E is perfect healthy! L asked me and DH to be the godparents, and we of course say yes :)
My maternal grandmother, Vovoa (Portuguese for grandmother), is hospitalized, and it's serious. There's a hole in her colon, and they're not going do surgery. She's in the same hospital where L and E are (where my dad works as well).
CD 18- August 31, 2010. Vovoa dies 2 days before her 80th birthday :( 3 out of her 5 children (including my mom) were there with her when she passed. She had spoken about being ready to meet Jesus, but it was still a hard time for us all.
CD 21-25- Travel to FL for her funeral and family time. I was planning on just taking sick leave, but my principal tells me that they do paid bereavement leave, so I'm able to stay an extra day to be with my mom. I help her out sorting through my grandmother's clothes and belongings.
CD 31- AF :( What a horrible cycle.
.................................................................................................................
On a lighter note...
The Sunday Schoolers use our classrooms at the Catholic school next door to meet on Sunday mornings. They're notorious for going through my students' desks and taking stuff. I had a meeting this afternoon, and when I got back to my classroom, this was on the board! :)
After many prayers and talks with DH, we decide to go ahead with Clomiphene. I take 100mg on CD 3-7. It makes me a bit looney. The worst part during it was when I had a meltdown in the kitchen over cutting up vegetables. I just started sobbing, "I can't do it!!!" and DH starts to smile at me. I'm like, "Why are you smiling? I'm crying!!! Boo-hoo!". He says, "Katie, it's just vegetables," and I started laughing in between sobs, realizing how ridiculous I sound.
CD 11- I have my very first ultrasound to check and see if there's a mature follicle and if my ovaries are over-stimulated or not. I'm kind of excited and nervous, but my doc says to not expect it to work the first time. So I get a UTI the day before (yuck!), and it's convenient that I already have an appointment scheduled today. I give the nurse the urine sample for testing, and she starts chatting with me.
Nurse- It's common to have UTIs now since there's a lot of stuff going on down there.
Me- Huh????
Nurse- You know, with pregnancy.
Me- I'm not pregnant. I'm TRYING to get pregnant.
Nurse- Your chart says you're pregnant.
Me- ?!?!
Apparently there's another Katie with the same last name as me at their office. She was born in the same year as me and also weighs the same. The other Katie is pregnant. I'm not. And they accidentally switched the files. (Hippa violation!!!) So that was depressing, to say the least.
My ultrasound shows 2 maturing follicles--one on my right ovary that is 19 mm and one on my left ovary that is 15 mm. Doc says that I'll ovulate in 3-5 days!!! I'm on track to have a 29-30 day cycle.
CD 12- I get a phone call from my friend K (her husband is A, DH's best friend/man) saying that they're 13 weeks pregnant and having a boy! We talk for about 30 minutes, and I tell her about my ultrasound yesterday. I actually didn't cry, and I attribute that to her keeping me on the phone for so long and talking me through everything. I'm hopeful that I'll get pregnant this cycle so that our babies can be close in age (silly, I know).
CD 17- My sister, L, gives birth to her son, E, on August 30, 2010, one day before her 20th birthday. Baby E is perfect healthy! L asked me and DH to be the godparents, and we of course say yes :)
My maternal grandmother, Vovoa (Portuguese for grandmother), is hospitalized, and it's serious. There's a hole in her colon, and they're not going do surgery. She's in the same hospital where L and E are (where my dad works as well).
CD 18- August 31, 2010. Vovoa dies 2 days before her 80th birthday :( 3 out of her 5 children (including my mom) were there with her when she passed. She had spoken about being ready to meet Jesus, but it was still a hard time for us all.
CD 21-25- Travel to FL for her funeral and family time. I was planning on just taking sick leave, but my principal tells me that they do paid bereavement leave, so I'm able to stay an extra day to be with my mom. I help her out sorting through my grandmother's clothes and belongings.
CD 31- AF :( What a horrible cycle.
.................................................................................................................
On a lighter note...
The Sunday Schoolers use our classrooms at the Catholic school next door to meet on Sunday mornings. They're notorious for going through my students' desks and taking stuff. I had a meeting this afternoon, and when I got back to my classroom, this was on the board! :)
Friday, February 18, 2011
TTC Cycle # 9 & #10
TTC Cycle #9: May 6, 2010-June 2, 2010 (28 days)
CD 4- Mother's Day. I do okay during church until the end, when the priest asks all the mothers to stand up and the whole congregation applauds for them. I start tearing up and manage to keep it in until I get to the car. Why can't it be me?! We've been trying to conceive a child for 10 months with no results.
I only wrote this on my chart: "28 day cycle! Never have had one of those before!" I guess the rest of the cycle was uneventful.
............................................................................................................
TTC Cycle #10: June 3, 2010-July 10, 2010 (38 days)
CD 9- Last day of teaching for the school year!!! We have a much needed "girls' night out" tonight. I have many drinks throughout the evening and don't get home until 3am. The hangover the next day was well worth it- haha!
CD 12- I got a call from the OBGYN's office today reminding me about the appointment on Wednesday. The receptionist asks me if I have called my insurance to see if they'd pay for the appointment. I'm like, huh? So I call my insurance....
They won't pay for a fertility consult.
I start crying (and this is 11am, and I'm at work!). I can't call DH because he's teaching, so I call my mom so I can have someone to cry to. She offers to pay for it!!! I didn't even call with the intention of asking her to pay, I seriously just didn't want to cry by myself. So then I'm worried about the cost because they couldn't tell me how much it's going to be. I know they want to do an ultrasound to see if there's a mature follicle. My friend Jen had an ultrasound when she had her miscarriage, and it cost her $600!
Stressed.
CD 14- So I went to the appointment yesterday...and it was amazing! He took me into his office and we talked for 20 minutes about my history before he even took me into a patient room. He said that I have sub-fertility, not infertility, and that he thinks I'm perfectly normal. He said only 75% of couples will conceive within a year. If I was 38, we'd be going at this aggressively, but since I'm only 24, he says we're going to take baby steps (haha). He told me all the things we would try as we go along and I'm still not pregnant. I got a referral to the Center for Applied Reproductive Science (CARS) to get DH's semen analyzed. Insurance won't pay for that, so my mom said she'd take care of it too.
Next week I'm going back on Day 21 of my cycle to get lab work done and check my progesterone levels to see if I actually ovulated. Insurance will pay for that because he's coding the visit as a "fatigue" complaint. It was funny... he's like, "Do you feel tired?" "Sometimes." "Do you feel like you could use an extra hour of sleep every night?" (Now he's winking at me). I'm like, "of course!" haha :)
I have a follow up visit on Monday, July 19th. Insurance probably won't pay for that because it'll be actual fertility stuff, not just an office visit (I only had to do a $40 co-pay for this visit, thank goodness). I feel like we're on the right track :D CD 17- Attended wedding #1 of 2 this week. The bride and groom got Celtic wedding knots tattooed on their ring fingers! They rented a house with 10 acres of property to get married and hold the reception at. Gorgeous! AND they went to Germany on their honeymoon :) They asked DH and I advice about it before they left, since that's where we went for our honeymoon 4 years prior!
CD 21- First bloodwork ever done today. Everything was normal except for my progesterone levels, which were low. They said I wasn't ovulatory.
CD 23- Head to ATL for wedding #2 (my cousin's wedding). Here's a dancing picture from the reception. I'm the one on the far left. L is in the middle (30 wks pregnant), and my cousin K is on the right (24 wks pregnant). Can I say that I want a baby too?!?!
Sisters! E, Me, and L
CD 25- According to my chart (tracking basal body temp and mucus), I ovulated today. So I don't know.
CD 26-30- I go to the beach with DH's cousins and uncle (minus DH since he had to work :( !) It's a much needed vacation from my sub-fertility.
The house!
I <3 the beach!
CD 32-
CD 34- DH's SFA today. It came back normal! Praise God! It was only $110, which is much cheaper than what I expected. We paid for it ourselves, even though my mom offered to pay initially.
CD 35- I head to FL by myself (plus my dog, Riley) to visit family and help host my sister's baby shower on Saturday. HP7 on 17 CDs (21 hours) keeps me company.
CD 36- Beach with my sister, E! I promise there's sand behind the boulders- lol :)
Notice the barrier to keep the oil off the beach :( Luckily, it worked!
CD 37- Scalloping! It's a favorite pasttime of my family :) One of the things I miss about living in FL... The video was made for my mom since she couldn't come with us. L is about 32 weeks along.
CD 38- L's baby shower. Notice that I'm dutifully writing down all the gifts like a good big sister. My grandma is on the other side of L. I survived through the afternoon. I should get some kind of award for that.
CD 39- AF returns :( At least it held off until today instead of coming yesterday. That would've made an already sad day even worse.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
TTC Cycle #5 & #6
TTC Cycle #5: December 7, 2009-January 11, 2010 (36 days)
I don't have a whole lot written down on my chart for this cycle. I did get to see my nephew (DH's sister's son) for the first time ever when he was around 3 weeks old. Holding that baby was something else. I caught myself pretending that he was mine a few times.
.............................................................................................................
TTC Cycle #6: January 12, 2010-February 21, 2010 (41 days)
CD 1- It's the day of the Haiti earthquake. I got my period. It's a rather depressing day, but I'm feeling okay overall until my sister, E (who is 21 at the time), talks with me on facebook chat about our other sister, L (who is 19 at the time) [yes, I saved the conversation, and I'm only using initials for privacy]...
E- have you talked to mom or L recently?
Me- no. is something wrong?
E- uh oh
E- i thought you knew
Me- mom called me last night and left a message, and i called back and left her a message
Me- call me!!!
E- L is preggos
Me- ?!?!?!?!
E- yep
Me- freaking a
E- and keeping it
Me- and i can't get preg
E- B (E's boyfriend) said she should just give hers to you
yeah just thought id lighten the mood
but yeah shes pregnant
dont say anything yet to anyone
I call E at this point, BALLING my eyes out. (I still can't believe she told me over facebook chat when I told her to call me!). My baby sister is pregnant. She's not married, boyfriend is in jail again (because he didn't do his community service as part of his parole), and it was "on accident." I know I shouldn't be jealous of her situation because all I want is the baby. But I can't help it. I sob. And sob. And sob. Eventually I get off the phone with E and just continue crying on the couch. DH isn't home from work yet. 20 minutes into my crying session, my mom calls me (I don't know if E told her to call or if she was just returning my call at the right moment). I'm sobbing and hiccuping into the phone, and she says that she's sorry for me and wishes she could hold me and make it all better. I agree. This sucks. I've been trying for SIX months and L gets pregnant "on accident"?!?! It's not fair. Life's not fair. I'm pissed off at God and the world. I get off the phone with Mom right before DH gets home. He looks alarmed seeing me sobbing on the couch. He thinks someone died. He rushes over to me and I tell him L is pregnant. DH says, "I didn't see that coming." (being totally honest about the reason why I'm crying- not sarcastic at all). I cry. And cry. And cry. Until there are no tears left. I'M the responsible one. I'm married. I have a salary job. I have a mortgage. I planned everything out. And SHE gets to have a baby?! I'm drowning in sorrow and jealousy.
CD 33- DH and I drive to FL to be with his family for our nephew's open heart surgery.
CD 34- I have to leave the hospital room every time they do an x-ray for S (nephew) because I MIGHT be pregnant.
CD 35- 2 month old S has successful open heart surgery. It's a very emotional day. Lots and lots and lots of prayers.
CD 41- I post this on the facebook NFP group:
I respond:
I don't have a whole lot written down on my chart for this cycle. I did get to see my nephew (DH's sister's son) for the first time ever when he was around 3 weeks old. Holding that baby was something else. I caught myself pretending that he was mine a few times.
.............................................................................................................
TTC Cycle #6: January 12, 2010-February 21, 2010 (41 days)
CD 1- It's the day of the Haiti earthquake. I got my period. It's a rather depressing day, but I'm feeling okay overall until my sister, E (who is 21 at the time), talks with me on facebook chat about our other sister, L (who is 19 at the time) [yes, I saved the conversation, and I'm only using initials for privacy]...
E- have you talked to mom or L recently?
Me- no. is something wrong?
E- uh oh
E- i thought you knew
Me- mom called me last night and left a message, and i called back and left her a message
Me- call me!!!
E- L is preggos
Me- ?!?!?!?!
E- yep
Me- freaking a
E- and keeping it
Me- and i can't get preg
E- B (E's boyfriend) said she should just give hers to you
yeah just thought id lighten the mood
but yeah shes pregnant
dont say anything yet to anyone
I call E at this point, BALLING my eyes out. (I still can't believe she told me over facebook chat when I told her to call me!). My baby sister is pregnant. She's not married, boyfriend is in jail again (because he didn't do his community service as part of his parole), and it was "on accident." I know I shouldn't be jealous of her situation because all I want is the baby. But I can't help it. I sob. And sob. And sob. Eventually I get off the phone with E and just continue crying on the couch. DH isn't home from work yet. 20 minutes into my crying session, my mom calls me (I don't know if E told her to call or if she was just returning my call at the right moment). I'm sobbing and hiccuping into the phone, and she says that she's sorry for me and wishes she could hold me and make it all better. I agree. This sucks. I've been trying for SIX months and L gets pregnant "on accident"?!?! It's not fair. Life's not fair. I'm pissed off at God and the world. I get off the phone with Mom right before DH gets home. He looks alarmed seeing me sobbing on the couch. He thinks someone died. He rushes over to me and I tell him L is pregnant. DH says, "I didn't see that coming." (being totally honest about the reason why I'm crying- not sarcastic at all). I cry. And cry. And cry. Until there are no tears left. I'M the responsible one. I'm married. I have a salary job. I have a mortgage. I planned everything out. And SHE gets to have a baby?! I'm drowning in sorrow and jealousy.
CD 33- DH and I drive to FL to be with his family for our nephew's open heart surgery.
CD 34- I have to leave the hospital room every time they do an x-ray for S (nephew) because I MIGHT be pregnant.
CD 35- 2 month old S has successful open heart surgery. It's a very emotional day. Lots and lots and lots of prayers.
CD 41- I post this on the facebook NFP group:
CD 42- Post on facebook NFP page:
Another woman comments that heavy cramping doesn't necessarily mean it was a miscarriage.
I respond:
Friday, February 4, 2011
TTC Cycle #4 & total amount spent TTC
TTC Cycle #4: October 29, 2009-December 6, 2009 (39 days)
CD 19- I had to get off my prescription acne meds in the spring before we started TTC. Needless to say, my face broke out and I looked like a 14-year-old with the amount of acne that was on my face (apparently my body didn't understand that I'm 24). Even an insensitive co-worker asked me "Aren't you too old to be having acne?" I'm using salicylic acid OTC acne stuff, and I'm not happy with the results. So I make an appointment with a dermatologist to ask if there's anything that I can be on that's safe for TTC. Her answer? No. It's all I can do to not start bawling in the patient room. I'm so self-conscious about my face, and it's really affecting my self-esteem. She tries to cheer me up by saying that I could even be pregnant now! Um, no. I'm already feeling depressed about not conceiving. I'm sacrificing coffee on a daily basis, alcohol after ovulation, and acne meds for a baby that doesn't even exist yet, and I feel and look like crap. I pay a $40 co-pay for absolutely nothing. Luckily I made it to the car before I started crying.
CD 30- We're in Florida. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm at my SIL's baby shower. She's not married, family doesn't really like the baby's dad at all, and she's due December 23rd (DH's birthday). The shower is being held at the small, hippie private school that DH and his sister attended and MIL still teaches at. I'm struggling to get through the shower, but for the most part I'm okay because she conceived before DH and I started TTC, and I'm hoping that we conceive soon so the cousins can be close in age. During the shower, I get a call from a friend. She says that another one of our friends is pregnant with their 2nd child, and that they just announced it on facebook. We talk for a while and hang up. I rejoin the festivities with tears in my eyes, but I knew I could hold it together if I didn't have to talk to anyone (I only knew a couple people anyway- the rest were strangers to me). I last for about 10 minutes until DH asks me, "What's wrong?" I shook my head. I couldn't answer him without breaking out into tears in front of a room full of people. He takes me outside to the front of the school, and I lose it. I start weeping in his arms, and it takes me a few minutes before I can tell him about the phone conversation. I'll spare you the messy details. DH eventually calms me down, and we head back inside 15 minutes later. I look like I've been crying, but thankfully everyone leaves me alone. It's all I can do to hold it together while watching SIL open more baby presents.
CD 36- Even though SIL was due on December 23rd, she has the baby today on December 3rd via emergency cesarean because he was in breech and her water had broken. Turns out that the baby also has Down syndrome and an interrupted aortic arch that requires open-heart surgery (she had ZERO pre-natal care [which I disagreed with but won't tell her what to do], so she could've known about these ahead of time, but didn't). We didn't know about the latter until later, and he actually could've died after they took him home. It's a miracle he survived.
CD 40- I get my period. My cycles are so freaking long! I was really hoping that since it was taking so long, I was already pregnant. Wrong again.
...............................................................................................................
I was curious about the amount of money that we spent TTC, so I thought I'd add it up...
Co-pays for OBGYN visits: $275
Co-pays for sessions with therapist (started seeing her after 14 months TTC): $100
Prescription medications (Clomiphene, Femara, Metformin, & Prometrium): $220.97
Seminal Fluid Analysis: $110
Pregnancy tests: $56.22
Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks: $104.55
Pre-natal vitamins: $50
TOTAL: $906.74
Having a baby: PRICELESS!!!! :)
CD 19- I had to get off my prescription acne meds in the spring before we started TTC. Needless to say, my face broke out and I looked like a 14-year-old with the amount of acne that was on my face (apparently my body didn't understand that I'm 24). Even an insensitive co-worker asked me "Aren't you too old to be having acne?" I'm using salicylic acid OTC acne stuff, and I'm not happy with the results. So I make an appointment with a dermatologist to ask if there's anything that I can be on that's safe for TTC. Her answer? No. It's all I can do to not start bawling in the patient room. I'm so self-conscious about my face, and it's really affecting my self-esteem. She tries to cheer me up by saying that I could even be pregnant now! Um, no. I'm already feeling depressed about not conceiving. I'm sacrificing coffee on a daily basis, alcohol after ovulation, and acne meds for a baby that doesn't even exist yet, and I feel and look like crap. I pay a $40 co-pay for absolutely nothing. Luckily I made it to the car before I started crying.
CD 30- We're in Florida. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm at my SIL's baby shower. She's not married, family doesn't really like the baby's dad at all, and she's due December 23rd (DH's birthday). The shower is being held at the small, hippie private school that DH and his sister attended and MIL still teaches at. I'm struggling to get through the shower, but for the most part I'm okay because she conceived before DH and I started TTC, and I'm hoping that we conceive soon so the cousins can be close in age. During the shower, I get a call from a friend. She says that another one of our friends is pregnant with their 2nd child, and that they just announced it on facebook. We talk for a while and hang up. I rejoin the festivities with tears in my eyes, but I knew I could hold it together if I didn't have to talk to anyone (I only knew a couple people anyway- the rest were strangers to me). I last for about 10 minutes until DH asks me, "What's wrong?" I shook my head. I couldn't answer him without breaking out into tears in front of a room full of people. He takes me outside to the front of the school, and I lose it. I start weeping in his arms, and it takes me a few minutes before I can tell him about the phone conversation. I'll spare you the messy details. DH eventually calms me down, and we head back inside 15 minutes later. I look like I've been crying, but thankfully everyone leaves me alone. It's all I can do to hold it together while watching SIL open more baby presents.
CD 36- Even though SIL was due on December 23rd, she has the baby today on December 3rd via emergency cesarean because he was in breech and her water had broken. Turns out that the baby also has Down syndrome and an interrupted aortic arch that requires open-heart surgery (she had ZERO pre-natal care [which I disagreed with but won't tell her what to do], so she could've known about these ahead of time, but didn't). We didn't know about the latter until later, and he actually could've died after they took him home. It's a miracle he survived.
CD 40- I get my period. My cycles are so freaking long! I was really hoping that since it was taking so long, I was already pregnant. Wrong again.
...............................................................................................................
I was curious about the amount of money that we spent TTC, so I thought I'd add it up...
Co-pays for OBGYN visits: $275
Co-pays for sessions with therapist (started seeing her after 14 months TTC): $100
Prescription medications (Clomiphene, Femara, Metformin, & Prometrium): $220.97
Seminal Fluid Analysis: $110
Pregnancy tests: $56.22
Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks: $104.55
Pre-natal vitamins: $50
TOTAL: $906.74
Having a baby: PRICELESS!!!! :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
TTC Cycle #3 & update on pregnancy at 5 wks
TTC Cycle #3: September 23, 2009-October 28, 2009 (36 days)
This cycle I am now due June 30, 2010. Calculating a new date gives me hope. I'll have a summer baby, and it'll be great! Now I can have my summer break plus 12 weeks off the beginning of the school year :)
I read Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition (3rd edition) by Marilyn Shannon. I have a short luteal phase, so I start taking 100mg B6 to help with that since it's what she recommends.
I make a goal this month to have sex every other day during more fertile mucus. I write "MAKE TIME!!" :) on my chart. It didn't happen, but I'm still hopeful that I'm pregnant.
CD 5- We got to Lexington, KY for a UF vs UK football game. Loads of fun!
CD 11-12- Camping at Graveyard Fields off the Blue Ridge Parkway
CD 14- First time my thermometer battery died since I started charting 2 years ago! Replacement cost a few bucks at Radio Shack.
CD 34- Breasts hurt and nipples are tender. I'm thinking these are pregnancy signs and start to get very hopeful.
CD 37- Get my period :(
...................................................................................................
Present Day:
I'm five weeks pregnant today (according to the ever popular 'count from your last period' that the medical community uses). I peaked according to my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on CD 18 & 19 (it gives you 2 days of Peak fertility). According to the 'count from your last period', I'm due October 5, 2011. I'd personally add 4 or 5 days (knowing from when I peaked), but I'll just wait till the first ultrasound to confirm. Which is on February 25th at 8 weeks 2 days. They told me to expect the visit to last 2 1/2 hours!!! Ultrasound can't be more than 15 minutes, so I'm assuming the rest of the time will be spent talking and doing paperwork.
Yesterday I went in for some blood-work so my doc could check my progesterone levels. I'm currently taking 100mg Prometrium per day. Last cycle when I didn't ovulate, my progesterone level was 1.5. Today it is 56.6. Doc said that it's very encouraging, and he's happy with the numbers but keeping me on the Prometrium for now.
In other news, I had a hair appointment today because I hadn't gotten my hair cut in 11 months. I walk in the door, and the first thing my hairdresser says to me is, "Are you pregnant?"!!!
My draw drops.
Me: "Yes."
Keep in mind that I haven't seen this woman in 11 months, and I hadn't told her that we're TTC.
Hairdresser: "Have you had the baby?"
Me: "What? No..."
Hairdresser: "So you're pregnant now?"
Me: "Yes. I'm 5 weeks."
Hairdresser: "OH!"
It was a weird conversation.
Then at yoga tonight, my instructor asks the class before we begin if anyone has anything about their body that they'd like her to know about. A few people raise their hands and talk about neck and lower back issues. I raise my hand and tell her I'm pregnant. My friend who goes with me is shocked that I just announced it to a room full of strangers (but I don't really care about the strangers- just the people who actually know me). The teacher says it shouldn't really affect me now, but that I should be aware of what my body is telling me throughout the class. Later on in the pregnancy, I need to make sure my core temperature doesn't rise too high as well.
...............................................................................................
Prayer Request: For a friend who is losing a foster baby this Friday after raising her from 3 days old until now at 6 months. My heart aches for her.
This cycle I am now due June 30, 2010. Calculating a new date gives me hope. I'll have a summer baby, and it'll be great! Now I can have my summer break plus 12 weeks off the beginning of the school year :)
I read Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition (3rd edition) by Marilyn Shannon. I have a short luteal phase, so I start taking 100mg B6 to help with that since it's what she recommends.
I make a goal this month to have sex every other day during more fertile mucus. I write "MAKE TIME!!" :) on my chart. It didn't happen, but I'm still hopeful that I'm pregnant.
CD 5- We got to Lexington, KY for a UF vs UK football game. Loads of fun!
CD 11-12- Camping at Graveyard Fields off the Blue Ridge Parkway
CD 14- First time my thermometer battery died since I started charting 2 years ago! Replacement cost a few bucks at Radio Shack.
CD 34- Breasts hurt and nipples are tender. I'm thinking these are pregnancy signs and start to get very hopeful.
CD 37- Get my period :(
...................................................................................................
Present Day:
I'm five weeks pregnant today (according to the ever popular 'count from your last period' that the medical community uses). I peaked according to my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on CD 18 & 19 (it gives you 2 days of Peak fertility). According to the 'count from your last period', I'm due October 5, 2011. I'd personally add 4 or 5 days (knowing from when I peaked), but I'll just wait till the first ultrasound to confirm. Which is on February 25th at 8 weeks 2 days. They told me to expect the visit to last 2 1/2 hours!!! Ultrasound can't be more than 15 minutes, so I'm assuming the rest of the time will be spent talking and doing paperwork.
Yesterday I went in for some blood-work so my doc could check my progesterone levels. I'm currently taking 100mg Prometrium per day. Last cycle when I didn't ovulate, my progesterone level was 1.5. Today it is 56.6. Doc said that it's very encouraging, and he's happy with the numbers but keeping me on the Prometrium for now.
In other news, I had a hair appointment today because I hadn't gotten my hair cut in 11 months. I walk in the door, and the first thing my hairdresser says to me is, "Are you pregnant?"!!!
My draw drops.
Me: "Yes."
Keep in mind that I haven't seen this woman in 11 months, and I hadn't told her that we're TTC.
Hairdresser: "Have you had the baby?"
Me: "What? No..."
Hairdresser: "So you're pregnant now?"
Me: "Yes. I'm 5 weeks."
Hairdresser: "OH!"
It was a weird conversation.
Then at yoga tonight, my instructor asks the class before we begin if anyone has anything about their body that they'd like her to know about. A few people raise their hands and talk about neck and lower back issues. I raise my hand and tell her I'm pregnant. My friend who goes with me is shocked that I just announced it to a room full of strangers (but I don't really care about the strangers- just the people who actually know me). The teacher says it shouldn't really affect me now, but that I should be aware of what my body is telling me throughout the class. Later on in the pregnancy, I need to make sure my core temperature doesn't rise too high as well.
...............................................................................................
Prayer Request: For a friend who is losing a foster baby this Friday after raising her from 3 days old until now at 6 months. My heart aches for her.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
TTC Cycle #2
Before I start, I have to say that I feel a little guilty for just starting a sub-fertility blog and finding out days later that I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about this pregnancy, but I don't want to feel like an outsider in this group either. Sub-fertility is a huge part of who I am, and being pregnant now doesn't change that, I know. Just some issues I need to work through...
..............................................................................................
TTC Cycle #2: August 18, 2009-September 22, 2009 (36 days)
When I get my first period after TTC, I was MAJORLY bummed to say the least. Spent a few days crying. After a while, I talked myself up, saying that it HAD to happen this cycle. What are the odds that it wouldn't?!
My old due date for the last cycle was April 21, 2010. My new due date is May 25, 2010. I decided to start calculating a new due date every cycle to give myself something to look forward to.
A friend at work was having surgery and would be out for a month. Then she announces that she had to cancel the surgery because at her pre-op appointment they found out that she is 4 weeks pregnant! I speak with her and tell her that we're TTC too! She gets really excited for me and hopes that I conceive soon so our babies will be close in age and we can hang out. She's due April 26, 2010. She told me that she got off the pill 9 months prior and wasn't really trying for a baby, but just seeing if it might happen. I'm so sure it won't take me THAT long.
I was wrong.
..............................................................................................
TTC Cycle #2: August 18, 2009-September 22, 2009 (36 days)
When I get my first period after TTC, I was MAJORLY bummed to say the least. Spent a few days crying. After a while, I talked myself up, saying that it HAD to happen this cycle. What are the odds that it wouldn't?!
My old due date for the last cycle was April 21, 2010. My new due date is May 25, 2010. I decided to start calculating a new due date every cycle to give myself something to look forward to.
A friend at work was having surgery and would be out for a month. Then she announces that she had to cancel the surgery because at her pre-op appointment they found out that she is 4 weeks pregnant! I speak with her and tell her that we're TTC too! She gets really excited for me and hopes that I conceive soon so our babies will be close in age and we can hang out. She's due April 26, 2010. She told me that she got off the pill 9 months prior and wasn't really trying for a baby, but just seeing if it might happen. I'm so sure it won't take me THAT long.
I was wrong.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Started this blog a little too late...
I started this blog to document my 18 1/2 months of sub-fertility. It's ironic because I'm pregnant now. Got a BFP yesterday on CD 33. It doesn't seem real. I've seen so many negatives over and over again, and now it's positive. I'm so happy and grateful, but I feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up and none of it really happened.
I think I'm still going to document the rest of my sub-fertility experience. I don't ever want to forget the amount of pain and suffering I went through, and I don't want to take this pregnancy for granted. At least now I know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, even if the Lord decides to call my baby to Heaven. And I'm a mother. Wow. It's so surreal.
We're only telling family and a few close friends. Not putting it on facebook until I'm out of the first trimester. But I had to post it here.
Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.
I think I'm still going to document the rest of my sub-fertility experience. I don't ever want to forget the amount of pain and suffering I went through, and I don't want to take this pregnancy for granted. At least now I know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, even if the Lord decides to call my baby to Heaven. And I'm a mother. Wow. It's so surreal.
We're only telling family and a few close friends. Not putting it on facebook until I'm out of the first trimester. But I had to post it here.
Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
TTC Cycle #1
I've decided to go through all 17 cycles (18 1/2 months) of TTC, and do a blog for each cycle. But first, some background information...
DH and I started dating on January 1, 2003 (we kissed at midnight!) and were married on July 14, 2006. I was 3 weeks away from my 21st birthday. DH was 23. We had both just graduated in the spring with our bachelor's degrees, were getting married, then moving from Tallahassee, FL to Asheville, NC right after the honeymoon. Lots of big changes for us. We contracepted before learning the sympto-thermal method via CCL in September 2007. Practicing NFP helped our marriage tremendously.
I dealt with a lot of jealousy from July 2006-July 2009 from hearing the news of other friends getting pregnant because we weren't TTC since we couldn't financially afford a baby at the time without moving in with my parents or in-laws. I longed for a baby. Had been dreaming of being a mother since I was little. Felt like we should have 'just done it' on some days, but DH is the sane one and would remind me of our plan.
TTC Cycle #1: July 15, 2009-August 17, 2009 (34 days)
The day after our 3 year wedding anniversary, I get my period, and we FINALLY can start TTC! One of the most exciting periods of my life. I was so naive. I had all these plans, and God was going to abide by these plans. We waited until July so I would have a late April baby. Then I would get 7 weeks of paid maternity leave (from sick days accumulated), followed by summer break, then go back to teaching in August and send the baby to home day care. The timing also coincided with our car being paid off in April, so we would use the money we were paying for a car payment to go to child care. I ideally wanted to be a SAHM, but with both of us being teachers and student loan bills, we can't afford to not have me work. I resigned myself to that miserable fact because it still meant that I was having a baby, my lifelong dream of being a mother. I told all my closest friends that we were trying for a baby. I was SO confident that it would happen on the first try. I mean, think of how many people get pregnant "on accident" the first time they have sex and how many unplanned pregnancies there are. I was going to get pregnant. Period.
My fertile time coincided with a beach trip with my parents and a few days with the in-laws. I thought it would be a great story if I conceived on the beach under the stars :) We had perfectly timed sex, and a baby was going to happen. There's no way that it wouldn't.
CD 19 is our last day in FL. We go out to a bar to spend one last night with our FL friends before we say good-bye. Some ask why I'm not drinking, and I tell them that we're trying to have a baby :) Most of them congratulate us and say that they can't wait to see a baby Wilson.
CD 23 was my 24th birthday. We invite a bunch of people over for a party, and I'm the only one not drinking. Everyone asks why. I tell them that we're trying for a baby, I'm probably pregnant, so it'd be safer if I don't drink past ovulation. None of my friends at the party are married or interested in starting families. I get a lot of weird looks, but I ignore them. I'm having a baby, so who cares about what they think!
CD 28 is my friend's 25th birthday. She and her DH are in town for a week, and for her birthday I drive the 4 of us around to 5 local breweries throughout the day. I'm the DD because I'm probably pregnant. We have loads of fun, and they give me a few sips and tastes of their beers to help me feel better about being the DD. But I'm okay with it because I'm pregnant.
CD 31 was a Friday. Some friends ended up staying over after a late night party the night before. I wanted to test that morning, but DH talked me out of it, saying that we shouldn't have other people around when I test. I didn't think it mattered- it was going to say positive anyway! But I waited another day.
CD 32 was a Saturday. I finally get to take a PT and find out that I'm pregnant! Take the PT...anxiously wait a few minutes...
It's negative.
I'm crushed. I was so SURE that it was going to happen the first time. I cry, and DH comforts me. Once I pull myself together, we head to the farmers' market. I see baby after baby, pregnant woman after pregnant woman. 4 babies and 3 pregnant women in all. 30 minutes later, I hold back the tears, and barely make it to the car before I start balling my eyes out. Why not me?! Why can't I be pregnant??? I sob the whole way home.
CD 35. I get my period and cry again. I was hoping for a false negative.
..............................................................................................
I look back at that cycle now, and I see such a confident person for the first 31 days. But I was making all my own plans, and God had other plans for me. What's the saying- if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans? I think that's it. I didn't really pray about getting pregnant. I never asked God if that was His will for me. I just assumed that He wanted what I wanted. And He wants me to be happy, right? Having a baby would make me happy, therefore God wants me to have a baby. But He works in mysterious and wondrous ways, and His call for me was to not be a mother right now.
DH and I started dating on January 1, 2003 (we kissed at midnight!) and were married on July 14, 2006. I was 3 weeks away from my 21st birthday. DH was 23. We had both just graduated in the spring with our bachelor's degrees, were getting married, then moving from Tallahassee, FL to Asheville, NC right after the honeymoon. Lots of big changes for us. We contracepted before learning the sympto-thermal method via CCL in September 2007. Practicing NFP helped our marriage tremendously.
I dealt with a lot of jealousy from July 2006-July 2009 from hearing the news of other friends getting pregnant because we weren't TTC since we couldn't financially afford a baby at the time without moving in with my parents or in-laws. I longed for a baby. Had been dreaming of being a mother since I was little. Felt like we should have 'just done it' on some days, but DH is the sane one and would remind me of our plan.
TTC Cycle #1: July 15, 2009-August 17, 2009 (34 days)
The day after our 3 year wedding anniversary, I get my period, and we FINALLY can start TTC! One of the most exciting periods of my life. I was so naive. I had all these plans, and God was going to abide by these plans. We waited until July so I would have a late April baby. Then I would get 7 weeks of paid maternity leave (from sick days accumulated), followed by summer break, then go back to teaching in August and send the baby to home day care. The timing also coincided with our car being paid off in April, so we would use the money we were paying for a car payment to go to child care. I ideally wanted to be a SAHM, but with both of us being teachers and student loan bills, we can't afford to not have me work. I resigned myself to that miserable fact because it still meant that I was having a baby, my lifelong dream of being a mother. I told all my closest friends that we were trying for a baby. I was SO confident that it would happen on the first try. I mean, think of how many people get pregnant "on accident" the first time they have sex and how many unplanned pregnancies there are. I was going to get pregnant. Period.
My fertile time coincided with a beach trip with my parents and a few days with the in-laws. I thought it would be a great story if I conceived on the beach under the stars :) We had perfectly timed sex, and a baby was going to happen. There's no way that it wouldn't.
CD 19 is our last day in FL. We go out to a bar to spend one last night with our FL friends before we say good-bye. Some ask why I'm not drinking, and I tell them that we're trying to have a baby :) Most of them congratulate us and say that they can't wait to see a baby Wilson.
CD 23 was my 24th birthday. We invite a bunch of people over for a party, and I'm the only one not drinking. Everyone asks why. I tell them that we're trying for a baby, I'm probably pregnant, so it'd be safer if I don't drink past ovulation. None of my friends at the party are married or interested in starting families. I get a lot of weird looks, but I ignore them. I'm having a baby, so who cares about what they think!
CD 28 is my friend's 25th birthday. She and her DH are in town for a week, and for her birthday I drive the 4 of us around to 5 local breweries throughout the day. I'm the DD because I'm probably pregnant. We have loads of fun, and they give me a few sips and tastes of their beers to help me feel better about being the DD. But I'm okay with it because I'm pregnant.
CD 31 was a Friday. Some friends ended up staying over after a late night party the night before. I wanted to test that morning, but DH talked me out of it, saying that we shouldn't have other people around when I test. I didn't think it mattered- it was going to say positive anyway! But I waited another day.
CD 32 was a Saturday. I finally get to take a PT and find out that I'm pregnant! Take the PT...anxiously wait a few minutes...
It's negative.
I'm crushed. I was so SURE that it was going to happen the first time. I cry, and DH comforts me. Once I pull myself together, we head to the farmers' market. I see baby after baby, pregnant woman after pregnant woman. 4 babies and 3 pregnant women in all. 30 minutes later, I hold back the tears, and barely make it to the car before I start balling my eyes out. Why not me?! Why can't I be pregnant??? I sob the whole way home.
CD 35. I get my period and cry again. I was hoping for a false negative.
..............................................................................................
I look back at that cycle now, and I see such a confident person for the first 31 days. But I was making all my own plans, and God had other plans for me. What's the saying- if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans? I think that's it. I didn't really pray about getting pregnant. I never asked God if that was His will for me. I just assumed that He wanted what I wanted. And He wants me to be happy, right? Having a baby would make me happy, therefore God wants me to have a baby. But He works in mysterious and wondrous ways, and His call for me was to not be a mother right now.
Friday, January 28, 2011
I'm finally venturing into the blogging world.
I'm still trying to decide how to go about doing this. We've been TTC since July 2009. It's been the hardest 18 months of my life so far. It's a cross I never thought I'd have to bear. But here I am, looking for the support and advice of other women going through similar trials.
My counselor says that it would be a good idea to blog my entire journey of sub-fertility to give as a gift to my future child when we do conceive or adopt. That way they can see how loved and wanted s/he was, even before s/he was born. So I'm giving it a try. I know it'll be painful to relive the ups and downs I've experienced so far, but I especially want to remember it for the day that I do get pregnant. I don't want to forget all that I've experienced through sub-fertility, and I think that blogging will be my permanent way of reminding myself.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
I'm still trying to decide how to go about doing this. We've been TTC since July 2009. It's been the hardest 18 months of my life so far. It's a cross I never thought I'd have to bear. But here I am, looking for the support and advice of other women going through similar trials.
My counselor says that it would be a good idea to blog my entire journey of sub-fertility to give as a gift to my future child when we do conceive or adopt. That way they can see how loved and wanted s/he was, even before s/he was born. So I'm giving it a try. I know it'll be painful to relive the ups and downs I've experienced so far, but I especially want to remember it for the day that I do get pregnant. I don't want to forget all that I've experienced through sub-fertility, and I think that blogging will be my permanent way of reminding myself.
St. Gianna, pray for us.
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