TTC Cycle #15

TTC Cycle #15: November 13, 2010-December 11, 2010 (29 days)

CD 3- Appointment with Dr. C to check my ovaries and see how they're doing.  I still have some excess fluid in there from the previous cycle.  Dr. C thinks it may have been caused by the Clomid from 2 cycles ago, so he decides to prescribe Femara for me.  He told me that it's actually prescribed for pre-menopausal women going through breast cancer treatments.  Apparently one of the side effects is causing women to ovulate.  I decide to give it a shot, so I take 2.5 mg of it on CD 3-7.

CD 11- Another appointment with Dr. C to check and see if I'm responding to the Femara.  Ultrasound shows one 8mm follicle on one ovary and 5-6 un-developing follicles on the other ovary.  Diagnosis?  Not ovulating.  I have PCOS, and they're doing a progesterone check on CD 21 to confirm.  Great.  Dr. C prescribes me 1500 mg of Metformin, which is an insulin sensitizer.  I have to take 500 mg for the first week, 1000 mg for the second week, and then the full dosage after that.  The biggest downside to this medication is that I can't have any alcohol :(  One upside is that part of the warnings on the label said, "Warning: May increase the risk of pregnancy."  Haha!  I'll take that risk!!! ;)

CD 14- My nephew, E, has his baptism.  My sister L asked me and DH to be the godparents.  It was a lovely ceremony, and everyone kept saying what a great mother L is being.  I had tears in my eyes by the end of it, wishing it was my own baby, but I held it together.

CD 15- Celebrating Thanksgiving in Florida, and I go out with my friend J to watch the FSU v UF game.  Six margaritas and one victory shot later, and I'm trashed.  DH drives me to a friend's house so we can hang out just the 3 of us.  Once I get there, I decide it's a good idea to make myself throw up so I won't have to do it later, so I do.  I somehow end up lying on the living room floor when A & K walk in the door.  Since it was supposed to be the 3 of us, they were the last people I expected to walk through the door.  K is six months pregnant now.  I was drunk, and I lost it.  I couldn't handle being in the same room with her even though I had just seen her the day before with a large group (about 15 people).  I made an excuse that I needed to call my friend L to check up on her and took my cell phone out to the front porch.  L didn't answer, so I called DH's cousin to sob to her for a while.  My friend J called me 30 minutes into the conversation, and I was bawling my eyes out at that point.  I tell her that I'm stuck there, and she says that she'll come and get me with her DH.  As soon as I hang up, attempt to dry my tears, and walk in the door, DH, K, & A are all walking out to leave.  I say good-bye to them, get in the car with DH, and proceed to start crying again.  DH was so upset with me for leaving the room (I'll admit it was rude of me, but I was drunk and mourning the fact that I wasn't pregnant).  He couldn't speak with me for the rest of the night, and we woke up first thing in the morning to make the 8 hour drive back home.  He still couldn't speak with me then.  I felt horrible the next day (just emotionally, no hangover luckily), and I was devastated that I was letting my sub-fertility affect me so much.  Later on, I'm able to talk about the weekend with my therapist, and she and I both agreed that I probably wouldn't have acted like that if I wasn't drunk.  Sub-fertility sucks.

CD 21- Appointment at OBGYN for a blood draw for a progesterone check.  My progesterone level was 1.5, confirming that I didn't ovulate.  Ugh.

CD 29-30- Head to Atlanta for my godson's baptism (my cousin's son).  I now have 2 godsons within the span of 2 weeks.  This ceremony was a little easier for me to get through since I know it took my cousin 2 years to conceive him, whereas with my sister it was an "accident."  On the day of the baptism, I get my period :(

TTC Cycle # 9 & #10

TTC Cycle #9: May 6, 2010-June 2, 2010 (28 days)

CD 4- Mother's Day.  I do okay during church until the end, when the priest asks all the mothers to stand up and the whole congregation applauds for them.  I start tearing up and manage to keep it in until I get to the car.  Why can't it be me?!  We've been trying to conceive a child for 10 months with no results.

I only wrote this on my chart: "28 day cycle! Never have had one of those before!"  I guess the rest of the cycle was uneventful.

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TTC Cycle #10: June 3, 2010-July 10, 2010 (38 days)


CD 9- Last day of teaching for the school year!!!  We have a much needed "girls' night out" tonight.  I have many drinks throughout the evening and don't get home until 3am.  The hangover the next day was well worth it- haha!


CD 12- I got a call from the OBGYN's office today reminding me about the appointment on Wednesday. The receptionist asks me if I have called my insurance to see if they'd pay for the appointment. I'm like, huh? So I call my insurance....

They won't pay for a fertility consult.

I start crying (and this is 11am, and I'm at work!). I can't call DH because he's teaching, so I call my mom so I can have someone to cry to. She offers to pay for it!!! I didn't even call with the intention of asking her to pay, I seriously just didn't want to cry by myself. So then I'm worried about the cost because they couldn't tell me how much it's going to be. I know they want to do an ultrasound to see if there's a mature follicle. My friend Jen had an ultrasound when she had her miscarriage, and it cost her $600!

Stressed.

CD 14- So I went to the appointment yesterday...and it was amazing! He took me into his office and we talked for 20 minutes about my history before he even took me into a patient room. He said that I have sub-fertility, not infertility, and that he thinks I'm perfectly normal. He said only 75% of couples will conceive within a year. If I was 38, we'd be going at this aggressively, but since I'm only 24, he says we're going to take baby steps (haha). He told me all the things we would try as we go along and I'm still not pregnant. I got a referral to the Center for Applied Reproductive Science (CARS) to get DH's semen analyzed. Insurance won't pay for that, so my mom said she'd take care of it too.

Next week I'm going back on Day 21 of my cycle to get lab work done and check my progesterone levels to see if I actually ovulated. Insurance will pay for that because he's coding the visit as a "fatigue" complaint. It was funny... he's like, "Do you feel tired?" "Sometimes." "Do you feel like you could use an extra hour of sleep every night?" (Now he's winking at me). I'm like, "of course!" haha :) I have a follow up visit on Monday, July 19th. Insurance probably won't pay for that because it'll be actual fertility stuff, not just an office visit (I only had to do a $40 co-pay for this visit, thank goodness). I feel like we're on the right track :D 

CD 17- Attended wedding #1 of 2 this week.  The bride and groom got Celtic wedding knots tattooed on their ring fingers!  They rented a house with 10 acres of property to get married and hold the reception at.  Gorgeous!  AND they went to Germany on their honeymoon :)  They asked DH and I advice about it before they left, since that's where we went for our honeymoon 4 years prior!

CD 21- First bloodwork ever done today. Everything was normal except for my progesterone levels, which were low. They said I wasn't ovulatory.  I kinda wasn't surprised because this cycle is probably going to be a long one. So not sure if "not ovulatory" means I don't ovulate or I hadn't ovulated by that point. They tested me on Day 21 because for any "normal" cycle, women ovulate on Day 14. Of course, my body can't be normal.

CD 23- Head to ATL for wedding #2 (my cousin's wedding).  Here's a dancing picture from the reception.  I'm the one on the far left.  L is in the middle (30 wks pregnant), and my cousin K is on the right (24 wks pregnant).  Can I say that I want a baby too?!?!

Sisters!  E, Me, and L

CD 25- According to my chart (tracking basal body temp and mucus), I ovulated today. So I don't know.

CD 26-30- I go to the beach with DH's cousins and uncle (minus DH since he had to work :( !)  It's a much needed vacation from my sub-fertility. 

The house!

I <3 the beach!

CD 32- I was talking with DH about it, and I think Dr. C should have done bloodwork on Day 21 AND Day 28 to see the progression of hormones throughout my cycle. I think I'm going to mention it to him at the next appointment. I'm already on Day 32 now, so it'll have to be for the next cycle.


CD 34- DH's SFA today.  It came back normal!  Praise God!  It was only $110, which is much cheaper than what I expected.  We paid for it ourselves, even though my mom offered to pay initially.

CD 35- I head to FL by myself (plus my dog, Riley) to visit family and help host my sister's baby shower on Saturday.  HP7 on 17 CDs (21 hours) keeps me company.


CD 36- Beach with my sister, E!  I promise there's sand behind the boulders- lol :)
Notice the barrier to keep the oil off the beach :(  Luckily, it worked!

CD 37- Scalloping!  It's a favorite pasttime of my family :)  One of the things I miss about living in FL...  The video was made for my mom since she couldn't come with us.  L is about 32 weeks along.

CD 38- L's baby shower.  Notice that I'm dutifully writing down all the gifts like a good big sister.  My grandma is on the other side of L.  I survived through the afternoon.  I should get some kind of award for that.

CD 39- AF returns :(  At least it held off until today instead of coming yesterday.  That would've made an already sad day even worse.

TTC Cycle #5 & #6

TTC Cycle #5: December 7, 2009-January 11, 2010 (36 days)

I don't have a whole lot written down on my chart for this cycle. I did get to see my nephew (DH's sister's son) for the first time ever when he was around 3 weeks old. Holding that baby was something else. I caught myself pretending that he was mine a few times.

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TTC Cycle #6: January 12, 2010-February 21, 2010 (41 days)

CD 1- It's the day of the Haiti earthquake. I got my period. It's a rather depressing day, but I'm feeling okay overall until my sister, E (who is 21 at the time), talks with me on facebook chat about our other sister, L (who is 19 at the time) [yes, I saved the conversation, and I'm only using initials for privacy]...

E- have you talked to mom or L recently?
Me- no. is something wrong?
E- uh oh
E- i thought you knew
Me- mom called me last night and left a message, and i called back and left her a message
Me- call me!!!
E- L is preggos
Me- ?!?!?!?!
E- yep
Me- freaking a
E- and keeping it
Me- and i can't get preg
E- B (E's boyfriend) said she should just give hers to you
yeah just thought id lighten the mood
but yeah shes pregnant
dont say anything yet to anyone

I call E at this point, BALLING my eyes out. (I still can't believe she told me over facebook chat when I told her to call me!). My baby sister is pregnant. She's not married, boyfriend is in jail again (because he didn't do his community service as part of his parole), and it was "on accident." I know I shouldn't be jealous of her situation because all I want is the baby. But I can't help it. I sob. And sob. And sob. Eventually I get off the phone with E and just continue crying on the couch. DH isn't home from work yet. 20 minutes into my crying session, my mom calls me (I don't know if E told her to call or if she was just returning my call at the right moment). I'm sobbing and hiccuping into the phone, and she says that she's sorry for me and wishes she could hold me and make it all better. I agree. This sucks. I've been trying for SIX months and L gets pregnant "on accident"?!?! It's not fair. Life's not fair. I'm pissed off at God and the world. I get off the phone with Mom right before DH gets home. He looks alarmed seeing me sobbing on the couch. He thinks someone died. He rushes over to me and I tell him L is pregnant. DH says, "I didn't see that coming." (being totally honest about the reason why I'm crying- not sarcastic at all). I cry. And cry. And cry. Until there are no tears left. I'M the responsible one. I'm married. I have a salary job. I have a mortgage. I planned everything out. And SHE gets to have a baby?! I'm drowning in sorrow and jealousy.

CD 33- DH and I drive to FL to be with his family for our nephew's open heart surgery.
CD 34- I have to leave the hospital room every time they do an x-ray for S (nephew) because I MIGHT be pregnant.
CD 35- 2 month old S has successful open heart surgery. It's a very emotional day. Lots and lots and lots of prayers.

CD 41- I post this on the facebook NFP group:

Here's the background situation: I'm currently on TTC Cycle 6, Day 41. My longest cycle ever was 39 days with the average being around 35. I bought a PT on Friday. I was planning on testing yesterday, but DH doesn't want me to. He doesn't want me to test positive only to start my period three days later. He'd rather us not know if we conceived to spare us the heartache of a miscarriage, which I imagine would be one of the most painful experiences of my life (seeing that we haven't been able to conceive yet). I think doctors call it a chemical pregnancy. Anyway, he'd rather me wait a week to test (next Saturday) when it's more probable that IF their is a pregnancy, it will last (he's all about numbers and statistics). That way if I start my period in a few days, it'll just be a late period and not a miscarriage to me. The only problem is that I want NOTHING more than to test and find out its positive right now. I'd rather know I had a baby and lost it then never knew it existed in the first place. My question is how many people test really soon and get a positive, only to get their period a few days later? Secondly, would you rather have not known you were pregnant to spare yourself the heartache?

The second thing is for people that take a long time TTC... how do you not get discouraged? DH says it's totally normal for us to be trying 7 months and not be pregnant yet, and I understand that every woman's body is different. But he's also saying that if I'm feeling this hopeless at 7 months (6 cycles), how can I keep trying for 1-2+ years and not keep reacting the way I do every month? How can I change my attitude when I feel so depressed?

CD 42- Post on facebook NFP page:

I started my period this morning at 7:15am. Had EXTREME cramping from 12:30-2:00pm. Like, I wanted to scoop my uterus out with a spoon kind of cramps. And I've never had menstrual cramps a day in my life!!! I always brag about it to my friends ;) Got home and took a pregnancy test at 3:45pm to confirm just in case. It was negative.

I never took the pregnancy test yesterday or the day before out of respect of DH's belief/opinion. But I'm wondering if the cramping was a sign of a miscarriage??? Now I'll never know :(

I emailed CCL copies of my six TTC charts. Don't know how long it'll be before they get back with me. Has anyone ever sent their charts in for review before?

TTC Cycle 7, Day 1. Thanks for all the prayers.

Another woman comments that heavy cramping doesn't necessarily mean it was a miscarriage.

I respond:

Thanks for the info- that's good to know. I actually had a friend just tell me about her own miscarrying experience. She had two positive tests while she was miscarrying- one the day it started (tested at the dr's) and another a few days later at home. She said that if I was pregnant the hormones would still read positive for a few weeks afterward. Since I tested negative this afternoon, that's another indicator that I wasn't ever pregnant in the first place.

TTC Cycle #4 & total amount spent TTC

TTC Cycle #4: October 29, 2009-December 6, 2009 (39 days)

CD 19- I had to get off my prescription acne meds in the spring before we started TTC. Needless to say, my face broke out and I looked like a 14-year-old with the amount of acne that was on my face (apparently my body didn't understand that I'm 24). Even an insensitive co-worker asked me "Aren't you too old to be having acne?" I'm using salicylic acid OTC acne stuff, and I'm not happy with the results. So I make an appointment with a dermatologist to ask if there's anything that I can be on that's safe for TTC. Her answer? No. It's all I can do to not start bawling in the patient room. I'm so self-conscious about my face, and it's really affecting my self-esteem. She tries to cheer me up by saying that I could even be pregnant now! Um, no. I'm already feeling depressed about not conceiving. I'm sacrificing coffee on a daily basis, alcohol after ovulation, and acne meds for a baby that doesn't even exist yet, and I feel and look like crap. I pay a $40 co-pay for absolutely nothing. Luckily I made it to the car before I started crying.

CD 30- We're in Florida. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm at my SIL's baby shower. She's not married, family doesn't really like the baby's dad at all, and she's due December 23rd (DH's birthday). The shower is being held at the small, hippie private school that DH and his sister attended and MIL still teaches at. I'm struggling to get through the shower, but for the most part I'm okay because she conceived before DH and I started TTC, and I'm hoping that we conceive soon so the cousins can be close in age. During the shower, I get a call from a friend. She says that another one of our friends is pregnant with their 2nd child, and that they just announced it on facebook. We talk for a while and hang up. I rejoin the festivities with tears in my eyes, but I knew I could hold it together if I didn't have to talk to anyone (I only knew a couple people anyway- the rest were strangers to me). I last for about 10 minutes until DH asks me, "What's wrong?" I shook my head. I couldn't answer him without breaking out into tears in front of a room full of people. He takes me outside to the front of the school, and I lose it. I start weeping in his arms, and it takes me a few minutes before I can tell him about the phone conversation. I'll spare you the messy details. DH eventually calms me down, and we head back inside 15 minutes later. I look like I've been crying, but thankfully everyone leaves me alone. It's all I can do to hold it together while watching SIL open more baby presents.

CD 36- Even though SIL was due on December 23rd, she has the baby today on December 3rd via emergency cesarean because he was in breech and her water had broken. Turns out that the baby also has Down syndrome and an interrupted aortic arch that requires open-heart surgery (she had ZERO pre-natal care [which I disagreed with but won't tell her what to do], so she could've known about these ahead of time, but didn't). We didn't know about the latter until later, and he actually could've died after they took him home. It's a miracle he survived.

CD 40- I get my period. My cycles are so freaking long! I was really hoping that since it was taking so long, I was already pregnant. Wrong again.

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I was curious about the amount of money that we spent TTC, so I thought I'd add it up...

Co-pays for OBGYN visits: $275
Co-pays for sessions with therapist (started seeing her after 14 months TTC): $100
Prescription medications (Clomiphene, Femara, Metformin, & Prometrium): $220.97
Seminal Fluid Analysis: $110
Pregnancy tests: $56.22
Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks: $104.55
Pre-natal vitamins: $50

TOTAL: $906.74

Having a baby: PRICELESS!!!! :)

TTC Cycle #3 & update on pregnancy at 5 wks

TTC Cycle #3: September 23, 2009-October 28, 2009 (36 days)

This cycle I am now due June 30, 2010. Calculating a new date gives me hope. I'll have a summer baby, and it'll be great! Now I can have my summer break plus 12 weeks off the beginning of the school year :)

I read Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition (3rd edition) by Marilyn Shannon. I have a short luteal phase, so I start taking 100mg B6 to help with that since it's what she recommends.

I make a goal this month to have sex every other day during more fertile mucus. I write "MAKE TIME!!" :) on my chart. It didn't happen, but I'm still hopeful that I'm pregnant.

CD 5- We got to Lexington, KY for a UF vs UK football game. Loads of fun!


CD 11-12- Camping at Graveyard Fields off the Blue Ridge Parkway












CD 14- First time my thermometer battery died since I started charting 2 years ago! Replacement cost a few bucks at Radio Shack.

CD 34- Breasts hurt and nipples are tender. I'm thinking these are pregnancy signs and start to get very hopeful.

CD 37- Get my period :(

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Present Day:
I'm five weeks pregnant today (according to the ever popular 'count from your last period' that the medical community uses). I peaked according to my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on CD 18 & 19 (it gives you 2 days of Peak fertility). According to the 'count from your last period', I'm due October 5, 2011. I'd personally add 4 or 5 days (knowing from when I peaked), but I'll just wait till the first ultrasound to confirm. Which is on February 25th at 8 weeks 2 days. They told me to expect the visit to last 2 1/2 hours!!! Ultrasound can't be more than 15 minutes, so I'm assuming the rest of the time will be spent talking and doing paperwork.

Yesterday I went in for some blood-work so my doc could check my progesterone levels. I'm currently taking 100mg Prometrium per day. Last cycle when I didn't ovulate, my progesterone level was 1.5. Today it is 56.6. Doc said that it's very encouraging, and he's happy with the numbers but keeping me on the Prometrium for now.

In other news, I had a hair appointment today because I hadn't gotten my hair cut in 11 months. I walk in the door, and the first thing my hairdresser says to me is, "Are you pregnant?"!!!

My draw drops.

Me: "Yes."

Keep in mind that I haven't seen this woman in 11 months, and I hadn't told her that we're TTC.

Hairdresser: "Have you had the baby?"
Me: "What? No..."
Hairdresser: "So you're pregnant now?"
Me: "Yes. I'm 5 weeks."
Hairdresser: "OH!"

It was a weird conversation.

Then at yoga tonight, my instructor asks the class before we begin if anyone has anything about their body that they'd like her to know about. A few people raise their hands and talk about neck and lower back issues. I raise my hand and tell her I'm pregnant. My friend who goes with me is shocked that I just announced it to a room full of strangers (but I don't really care about the strangers- just the people who actually know me). The teacher says it shouldn't really affect me now, but that I should be aware of what my body is telling me throughout the class. Later on in the pregnancy, I need to make sure my core temperature doesn't rise too high as well.

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Prayer Request: For a friend who is losing a foster baby this Friday after raising her from 3 days old until now at 6 months. My heart aches for her.

TTC Cycle #2

Before I start, I have to say that I feel a little guilty for just starting a sub-fertility blog and finding out days later that I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled about this pregnancy, but I don't want to feel like an outsider in this group either. Sub-fertility is a huge part of who I am, and being pregnant now doesn't change that, I know. Just some issues I need to work through...

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TTC Cycle #2: August 18, 2009-September 22, 2009 (36 days)

When I get my first period after TTC, I was MAJORLY bummed to say the least. Spent a few days crying. After a while, I talked myself up, saying that it HAD to happen this cycle. What are the odds that it wouldn't?!

My old due date for the last cycle was April 21, 2010. My new due date is May 25, 2010. I decided to start calculating a new due date every cycle to give myself something to look forward to.

A friend at work was having surgery and would be out for a month. Then she announces that she had to cancel the surgery because at her pre-op appointment they found out that she is 4 weeks pregnant! I speak with her and tell her that we're TTC too! She gets really excited for me and hopes that I conceive soon so our babies will be close in age and we can hang out. She's due April 26, 2010. She told me that she got off the pill 9 months prior and wasn't really trying for a baby, but just seeing if it might happen. I'm so sure it won't take me THAT long.

I was wrong.

Started this blog a little too late...

I started this blog to document my 18 1/2 months of sub-fertility. It's ironic because I'm pregnant now. Got a BFP yesterday on CD 33. It doesn't seem real. I've seen so many negatives over and over again, and now it's positive. I'm so happy and grateful, but I feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up and none of it really happened.

I think I'm still going to document the rest of my sub-fertility experience. I don't ever want to forget the amount of pain and suffering I went through, and I don't want to take this pregnancy for granted. At least now I know that I'm capable of getting pregnant, even if the Lord decides to call my baby to Heaven. And I'm a mother. Wow. It's so surreal.

We're only telling family and a few close friends. Not putting it on facebook until I'm out of the first trimester. But I had to post it here.

Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of life in my womb.

TTC Cycle #1

I've decided to go through all 17 cycles (18 1/2 months) of TTC, and do a blog for each cycle. But first, some background information...

DH and I started dating on January 1, 2003 (we kissed at midnight!) and were married on July 14, 2006. I was 3 weeks away from my 21st birthday. DH was 23. We had both just graduated in the spring with our bachelor's degrees, were getting married, then moving from Tallahassee, FL to Asheville, NC right after the honeymoon. Lots of big changes for us. We contracepted before learning the sympto-thermal method via CCL in September 2007. Practicing NFP helped our marriage tremendously.

I dealt with a lot of jealousy from July 2006-July 2009 from hearing the news of other friends getting pregnant because we weren't TTC since we couldn't financially afford a baby at the time without moving in with my parents or in-laws. I longed for a baby. Had been dreaming of being a mother since I was little. Felt like we should have 'just done it' on some days, but DH is the sane one and would remind me of our plan.

TTC Cycle #1: July 15, 2009-August 17, 2009 (34 days)

The day after our 3 year wedding anniversary, I get my period, and we FINALLY can start TTC! One of the most exciting periods of my life. I was so naive. I had all these plans, and God was going to abide by these plans. We waited until July so I would have a late April baby. Then I would get 7 weeks of paid maternity leave (from sick days accumulated), followed by summer break, then go back to teaching in August and send the baby to home day care. The timing also coincided with our car being paid off in April, so we would use the money we were paying for a car payment to go to child care. I ideally wanted to be a SAHM, but with both of us being teachers and student loan bills, we can't afford to not have me work. I resigned myself to that miserable fact because it still meant that I was having a baby, my lifelong dream of being a mother. I told all my closest friends that we were trying for a baby. I was SO confident that it would happen on the first try. I mean, think of how many people get pregnant "on accident" the first time they have sex and how many unplanned pregnancies there are. I was going to get pregnant. Period.

My fertile time coincided with a beach trip with my parents and a few days with the in-laws. I thought it would be a great story if I conceived on the beach under the stars :) We had perfectly timed sex, and a baby was going to happen. There's no way that it wouldn't.

CD 19 is our last day in FL. We go out to a bar to spend one last night with our FL friends before we say good-bye. Some ask why I'm not drinking, and I tell them that we're trying to have a baby :) Most of them congratulate us and say that they can't wait to see a baby Wilson.

CD 23 was my 24th birthday. We invite a bunch of people over for a party, and I'm the only one not drinking. Everyone asks why. I tell them that we're trying for a baby, I'm probably pregnant, so it'd be safer if I don't drink past ovulation. None of my friends at the party are married or interested in starting families. I get a lot of weird looks, but I ignore them. I'm having a baby, so who cares about what they think!

CD 28 is my friend's 25th birthday. She and her DH are in town for a week, and for her birthday I drive the 4 of us around to 5 local breweries throughout the day. I'm the DD because I'm probably pregnant. We have loads of fun, and they give me a few sips and tastes of their beers to help me feel better about being the DD. But I'm okay with it because I'm pregnant.

CD 31 was a Friday. Some friends ended up staying over after a late night party the night before. I wanted to test that morning, but DH talked me out of it, saying that we shouldn't have other people around when I test. I didn't think it mattered- it was going to say positive anyway! But I waited another day.

CD 32 was a Saturday. I finally get to take a PT and find out that I'm pregnant! Take the PT...anxiously wait a few minutes...

It's negative.

I'm crushed. I was so SURE that it was going to happen the first time. I cry, and DH comforts me. Once I pull myself together, we head to the farmers' market. I see baby after baby, pregnant woman after pregnant woman. 4 babies and 3 pregnant women in all. 30 minutes later, I hold back the tears, and barely make it to the car before I start balling my eyes out. Why not me?! Why can't I be pregnant??? I sob the whole way home.

CD 35. I get my period and cry again. I was hoping for a false negative.

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I look back at that cycle now, and I see such a confident person for the first 31 days. But I was making all my own plans, and God had other plans for me. What's the saying- if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans? I think that's it. I didn't really pray about getting pregnant. I never asked God if that was His will for me. I just assumed that He wanted what I wanted. And He wants me to be happy, right? Having a baby would make me happy, therefore God wants me to have a baby. But He works in mysterious and wondrous ways, and His call for me was to not be a mother right now.

I'm finally venturing into the blogging world.

I'm still trying to decide how to go about doing this. We've been TTC since July 2009. It's been the hardest 18 months of my life so far. It's a cross I never thought I'd have to bear. But here I am, looking for the support and advice of other women going through similar trials.

My counselor says that it would be a good idea to blog my entire journey of sub-fertility to give as a gift to my future child when we do conceive or adopt. That way they can see how loved and wanted s/he was, even before s/he was born. So I'm giving it a try. I know it'll be painful to relive the ups and downs I've experienced so far, but I especially want to remember it for the day that I do get pregnant. I don't want to forget all that I've experienced through sub-fertility, and I think that blogging will be my permanent way of reminding myself.

St. Gianna, pray for us.