TTC Cycle #12

TTC Cycle #12: August 14, 2010-September 12, 2010 (30 days)

After many prayers and talks with DH, we decide to go ahead with Clomiphene.  I take 100mg on CD 3-7.  It makes me a bit looney.  The worst part during it was when I had a meltdown in the kitchen over cutting up vegetables.  I just started sobbing, "I can't do it!!!"  and DH starts to smile at me.  I'm like, "Why are you smiling?  I'm crying!!!  Boo-hoo!".  He says, "Katie, it's just vegetables,"  and I started laughing in between sobs, realizing how ridiculous I sound.

CD 11- I have my very first ultrasound to check and see if there's a mature follicle and if my ovaries are over-stimulated or not.  I'm kind of excited and nervous, but my doc says to not expect it to work the first time.  So I get a UTI the day before (yuck!), and it's convenient that I already have an appointment scheduled today.  I give the nurse the urine sample for testing, and she starts chatting with me.

Nurse- It's common to have UTIs now since there's a lot of stuff going on down there.
Me- Huh????
Nurse- You know, with pregnancy.
Me- I'm not pregnant.  I'm TRYING to get pregnant.
Nurse- Your chart says you're pregnant.
Me- ?!?!

Apparently there's another Katie with the same last name as me at their office.  She was born in the same year as me and also weighs the same.  The other Katie is pregnant.  I'm not.  And they accidentally switched the files.  (Hippa violation!!!)  So that was depressing, to say the least.

My ultrasound shows 2 maturing follicles--one on my right ovary that is 19 mm and one on my left ovary that is 15 mm.  Doc says that I'll ovulate in 3-5 days!!!  I'm on track to have a 29-30 day cycle.

CD 12- I get a phone call from my friend K (her husband is A, DH's best friend/man) saying that they're 13 weeks pregnant and having a boy!  We talk for about 30 minutes, and I tell her about my ultrasound yesterday.  I actually didn't cry, and I attribute that to her keeping me on the phone for so long and talking me through everything.  I'm hopeful that I'll get pregnant this cycle so that our babies can be close in age (silly, I know).

CD 17- My sister, L, gives birth to her son, E, on August 30, 2010, one day before her 20th birthday.  Baby E is perfect healthy!  L asked me and DH to be the godparents, and we of course say yes :)

My maternal grandmother, Vovoa (Portuguese for grandmother), is hospitalized, and it's serious.  There's a hole in her colon, and they're not going do surgery.  She's in the same hospital where L and E are (where my dad works as well).

CD 18- August 31, 2010.  Vovoa dies 2 days before her 80th birthday :(  3 out of her 5 children (including my mom) were there with her when she passed.  She had spoken about being ready to meet Jesus, but it was still a hard time for us all.

CD 21-25- Travel to FL for her funeral and family time.  I was planning on just taking sick leave, but my principal tells me that they do paid bereavement leave, so I'm able to stay an extra day to be with my mom.  I help her out sorting through my grandmother's clothes and belongings.

CD 31- AF :(  What a horrible cycle.
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On a lighter note...
The Sunday Schoolers use our classrooms at the Catholic school next door to meet on Sunday mornings. They're notorious for going through my students' desks and taking stuff. I had a meeting this afternoon, and when I got back to my classroom, this was on the board! :)

TTC Cycle #5 & #6

TTC Cycle #5: December 7, 2009-January 11, 2010 (36 days)

I don't have a whole lot written down on my chart for this cycle. I did get to see my nephew (DH's sister's son) for the first time ever when he was around 3 weeks old. Holding that baby was something else. I caught myself pretending that he was mine a few times.

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TTC Cycle #6: January 12, 2010-February 21, 2010 (41 days)

CD 1- It's the day of the Haiti earthquake. I got my period. It's a rather depressing day, but I'm feeling okay overall until my sister, E (who is 21 at the time), talks with me on facebook chat about our other sister, L (who is 19 at the time) [yes, I saved the conversation, and I'm only using initials for privacy]...

E- have you talked to mom or L recently?
Me- no. is something wrong?
E- uh oh
E- i thought you knew
Me- mom called me last night and left a message, and i called back and left her a message
Me- call me!!!
E- L is preggos
Me- ?!?!?!?!
E- yep
Me- freaking a
E- and keeping it
Me- and i can't get preg
E- B (E's boyfriend) said she should just give hers to you
yeah just thought id lighten the mood
but yeah shes pregnant
dont say anything yet to anyone

I call E at this point, BALLING my eyes out. (I still can't believe she told me over facebook chat when I told her to call me!). My baby sister is pregnant. She's not married, boyfriend is in jail again (because he didn't do his community service as part of his parole), and it was "on accident." I know I shouldn't be jealous of her situation because all I want is the baby. But I can't help it. I sob. And sob. And sob. Eventually I get off the phone with E and just continue crying on the couch. DH isn't home from work yet. 20 minutes into my crying session, my mom calls me (I don't know if E told her to call or if she was just returning my call at the right moment). I'm sobbing and hiccuping into the phone, and she says that she's sorry for me and wishes she could hold me and make it all better. I agree. This sucks. I've been trying for SIX months and L gets pregnant "on accident"?!?! It's not fair. Life's not fair. I'm pissed off at God and the world. I get off the phone with Mom right before DH gets home. He looks alarmed seeing me sobbing on the couch. He thinks someone died. He rushes over to me and I tell him L is pregnant. DH says, "I didn't see that coming." (being totally honest about the reason why I'm crying- not sarcastic at all). I cry. And cry. And cry. Until there are no tears left. I'M the responsible one. I'm married. I have a salary job. I have a mortgage. I planned everything out. And SHE gets to have a baby?! I'm drowning in sorrow and jealousy.

CD 33- DH and I drive to FL to be with his family for our nephew's open heart surgery.
CD 34- I have to leave the hospital room every time they do an x-ray for S (nephew) because I MIGHT be pregnant.
CD 35- 2 month old S has successful open heart surgery. It's a very emotional day. Lots and lots and lots of prayers.

CD 41- I post this on the facebook NFP group:

Here's the background situation: I'm currently on TTC Cycle 6, Day 41. My longest cycle ever was 39 days with the average being around 35. I bought a PT on Friday. I was planning on testing yesterday, but DH doesn't want me to. He doesn't want me to test positive only to start my period three days later. He'd rather us not know if we conceived to spare us the heartache of a miscarriage, which I imagine would be one of the most painful experiences of my life (seeing that we haven't been able to conceive yet). I think doctors call it a chemical pregnancy. Anyway, he'd rather me wait a week to test (next Saturday) when it's more probable that IF their is a pregnancy, it will last (he's all about numbers and statistics). That way if I start my period in a few days, it'll just be a late period and not a miscarriage to me. The only problem is that I want NOTHING more than to test and find out its positive right now. I'd rather know I had a baby and lost it then never knew it existed in the first place. My question is how many people test really soon and get a positive, only to get their period a few days later? Secondly, would you rather have not known you were pregnant to spare yourself the heartache?

The second thing is for people that take a long time TTC... how do you not get discouraged? DH says it's totally normal for us to be trying 7 months and not be pregnant yet, and I understand that every woman's body is different. But he's also saying that if I'm feeling this hopeless at 7 months (6 cycles), how can I keep trying for 1-2+ years and not keep reacting the way I do every month? How can I change my attitude when I feel so depressed?

CD 42- Post on facebook NFP page:

I started my period this morning at 7:15am. Had EXTREME cramping from 12:30-2:00pm. Like, I wanted to scoop my uterus out with a spoon kind of cramps. And I've never had menstrual cramps a day in my life!!! I always brag about it to my friends ;) Got home and took a pregnancy test at 3:45pm to confirm just in case. It was negative.

I never took the pregnancy test yesterday or the day before out of respect of DH's belief/opinion. But I'm wondering if the cramping was a sign of a miscarriage??? Now I'll never know :(

I emailed CCL copies of my six TTC charts. Don't know how long it'll be before they get back with me. Has anyone ever sent their charts in for review before?

TTC Cycle 7, Day 1. Thanks for all the prayers.

Another woman comments that heavy cramping doesn't necessarily mean it was a miscarriage.

I respond:

Thanks for the info- that's good to know. I actually had a friend just tell me about her own miscarrying experience. She had two positive tests while she was miscarrying- one the day it started (tested at the dr's) and another a few days later at home. She said that if I was pregnant the hormones would still read positive for a few weeks afterward. Since I tested negative this afternoon, that's another indicator that I wasn't ever pregnant in the first place.

TTC Cycle #4 & total amount spent TTC

TTC Cycle #4: October 29, 2009-December 6, 2009 (39 days)

CD 19- I had to get off my prescription acne meds in the spring before we started TTC. Needless to say, my face broke out and I looked like a 14-year-old with the amount of acne that was on my face (apparently my body didn't understand that I'm 24). Even an insensitive co-worker asked me "Aren't you too old to be having acne?" I'm using salicylic acid OTC acne stuff, and I'm not happy with the results. So I make an appointment with a dermatologist to ask if there's anything that I can be on that's safe for TTC. Her answer? No. It's all I can do to not start bawling in the patient room. I'm so self-conscious about my face, and it's really affecting my self-esteem. She tries to cheer me up by saying that I could even be pregnant now! Um, no. I'm already feeling depressed about not conceiving. I'm sacrificing coffee on a daily basis, alcohol after ovulation, and acne meds for a baby that doesn't even exist yet, and I feel and look like crap. I pay a $40 co-pay for absolutely nothing. Luckily I made it to the car before I started crying.

CD 30- We're in Florida. It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm at my SIL's baby shower. She's not married, family doesn't really like the baby's dad at all, and she's due December 23rd (DH's birthday). The shower is being held at the small, hippie private school that DH and his sister attended and MIL still teaches at. I'm struggling to get through the shower, but for the most part I'm okay because she conceived before DH and I started TTC, and I'm hoping that we conceive soon so the cousins can be close in age. During the shower, I get a call from a friend. She says that another one of our friends is pregnant with their 2nd child, and that they just announced it on facebook. We talk for a while and hang up. I rejoin the festivities with tears in my eyes, but I knew I could hold it together if I didn't have to talk to anyone (I only knew a couple people anyway- the rest were strangers to me). I last for about 10 minutes until DH asks me, "What's wrong?" I shook my head. I couldn't answer him without breaking out into tears in front of a room full of people. He takes me outside to the front of the school, and I lose it. I start weeping in his arms, and it takes me a few minutes before I can tell him about the phone conversation. I'll spare you the messy details. DH eventually calms me down, and we head back inside 15 minutes later. I look like I've been crying, but thankfully everyone leaves me alone. It's all I can do to hold it together while watching SIL open more baby presents.

CD 36- Even though SIL was due on December 23rd, she has the baby today on December 3rd via emergency cesarean because he was in breech and her water had broken. Turns out that the baby also has Down syndrome and an interrupted aortic arch that requires open-heart surgery (she had ZERO pre-natal care [which I disagreed with but won't tell her what to do], so she could've known about these ahead of time, but didn't). We didn't know about the latter until later, and he actually could've died after they took him home. It's a miracle he survived.

CD 40- I get my period. My cycles are so freaking long! I was really hoping that since it was taking so long, I was already pregnant. Wrong again.

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I was curious about the amount of money that we spent TTC, so I thought I'd add it up...

Co-pays for OBGYN visits: $275
Co-pays for sessions with therapist (started seeing her after 14 months TTC): $100
Prescription medications (Clomiphene, Femara, Metformin, & Prometrium): $220.97
Seminal Fluid Analysis: $110
Pregnancy tests: $56.22
Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and test sticks: $104.55
Pre-natal vitamins: $50

TOTAL: $906.74

Having a baby: PRICELESS!!!! :)